Leapin' Lizards

Creatures. You'd think I'd be used to them by now since I lived out in the boonies for 18 years of my life. I just found out a few weeks ago that people really shouldn't get too close to deer because evidently they attack humans. Who knew? Shoot, my family had two pet deer, Bambi and Faline, that my dad rescued after their mothers had been hit by cars. It was a sad day when we were forced to let them go out into the wild because, evidently, housing a deer is illegal. Oh, the hazards of having a game warden as a family friend.


Wow, I have no idea why I started talking about deer. That was weird. Back to creatures.

Typical Nebraska creatures don't bother me at all. Oh, that's where I was going with the deer thing. Yes - not even deer scare me! Skunks? Yeah, a little because no one within a mile radius would want to be around me. Coons? No. I knew people who had coons as pets. They seemed so cuddly. Snakes? Hell yes, but they're the devil in disguise.

There is one, non-devilish creature that continuously freaks me out and I have no idea why. LIZARDS. And, unfortunately, Texas is full of the little buggers.

I think I'm most freaked out by them being able to get into the house. When I think of lizards, I either think of A) pets or B) things by lakes. Granted, I do live by a lake, but I feel like a lizard shouldn't make its way into my bedroom unless I got it certified from Petsmart. (Is it Pet's Mart or Pet Smart? I've honestly never known.)

About a week ago, I was talking with my friend, Maggie, on the phone and saw something dart across my room and out into the hallway. I figured it was just a grasshopper or something, but curiousity got the best of me so I went to take a look-see. Out in the hallway, an asshole lizard blended in with the carpet and proceeded to jet across the top of my foot and into the office. I think Maggie probably went deaf with all of my hootin' and hollerin'. I immediately had every desire to catch it by the tail and throw it in the toilet.

...But then I thought of PETA and how I'd probably be arrested. So, instead, I threw a tin can over the top of it and promised myself to let the little bastard out the back door when I got off the phone with Maggie.

Except for I didn't. Instead I forgot about it until the next morning. Thinking I'd find a dead lizard, I lifted the tin, KLEENEX in had, ready to throw him down the toilet unintentionally. But the way he jolted toward my big toe told me he wasn't ready to meet Jesus yet. Thankfully, my roommate helped a sista out and somehow coaxed him into a Sonic cup to let him outside.

This kind gesture of my roommate made me believe that she was one with lizards. For once, I felt safe from being attacked by something scaley in the middle of the night. Until a couple nights later when I heard a scream from the kitchen. I thought my roomie was being killed, so I hustled out there prepared to fight. That's when I discovered my roomie definitely disliked lizards, since one caused her to scream bloody murder. I saw the bugger hanging from the backdoor like a window cling.

It wasn't quite as easy to wrangle like the smaller one. It wouldn't fit nicely in a cup and it was clinging to a door instead of prowling on the floor. Every part of me wanted to be brave and just cup my hand around it...until I thought of it revealing razor-sharp teeth and chomping through my hand. The grabbing it idea was out of the question. Using teamwork, we escorted the lizard to the floor and then, using my best "workin' cattle" attitude, I convinced the lizard to make its way outside.

I saw another one at work today and it was smaller and less intimidating. I tried capturing it in a cup to send back for Maggie so she could name it Jessica and think of me every time she fed it a fly. Unfortunately, Jessica didn't like my idea and tried committing suicide against the bathroom wall. I'm so over lizards.

Just pray I don't get eaten by one tonight as I sleep. Spooky.