Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ignorance is Bliss...

...or something like that.

The amount of ignorant people in my Tuesday afternoon English class is quite bewildering. You may be reading this and thinking I'm just a bitch on my soap box. And you're quite right. I've had it up to here in this stupid class. Well, I shouldn't say "stupid class" because I think my professor is quite intelligent. But the idiots in my class are mind-blowing.

Take the dumbass who sits in front of me. Even my I-Pod (on its highest level, mind you) can't tune this crazy out. Every day it's something new. How obnoxiously rich her parents are and how they wanted to send her to a private school, but she decided to be the nice daughter that she is and suggest the University of Nebraska at Lincoln. I guess she's from Minneapolis, so she's paying out-of-state tuition anyway. Would this be much different than some Minnesota private school? Who knows. Either way, her Chuck Taylors and basic Target Ts tell me that she is definitely not the richest chick on the planet.

A week ago, I got so bored with the remarks in this class that I began to count the number of times my peers used the word, "like." In 15 minutes, the word "like" was, like, used, like, over 120 times. Since, like, the majority of the students in this class are, like, English majors, you would think, like, their vernacular would, like, be slightly more advanced - well at least, like, while they're, like, in the English college. Outside of class, like, I could really give, like, two shits what they talk like.

But today hit a whole new level of stupidity. We were discussing Willa Cather and her overall dislike for Nebraska. Something got brought up about how city folk don't know much about Nebraska life. Some girl, who said she was from Omaha, was really sad that out-of-staters think Nebraska is full of a bunch of cattle and cornfields. After all, she is from Omaha and to find cattle or cornfields, one would have to drive miles and miles out of the Omaha city limits. Then - here's where her knowledge of Nebraska really shined through - she said she could sometimes understand where the out-of-staters were coming from because 93 percent of Nebraska's land is filled with cornfields.

Ninety-three percent? Really? I mean, I would like to think that if 93 percent of Nebraska is a cornfield that NE could probably provide ethanol-enriched fuel to the entire country.

What would I know, though? I'm just po' country folk.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Rough day. Period. Exclamation point.

So I bought this new dress yesterday at Target. I'm really into this whole boho look for some re-damn-diculous reason. May not be stylish what-so-ever, but it's very, very comfortable. Anyway, I bought this dress for 24 bucks and I've already gotten a ton of good out of it. I wore it last night with a pair of leggings and some flats and then I wore it again today (washed, of course) with a pair of tights.

Last night everything with the dress functioned properly. Shoot, last night I would have even considered that dress a lucky dress considering the nice texts I was receiving from a nice young man. But today was a completely different story. Perhaps the dress didn't like the tights I picked out? Or maybe it was the gross flats I chose to wear? Either way, the dress frickin' turned on me. I'mma talking full out, exorcist, green-puke spewing out of possessed girl's head, turned on me.

I had to go to work at volleyball at noon today. So, I left my place at 11:30 to give myself plenty of time to make my way through the madness downtown and to my parking garage. In the meantime I gave my mom a call for a quick chat. While managing to keep my mom on the line, I slung my backpack over my shoulders, clutched onto my purse with one hand, and held my cell phone tight in my other hand.

I chatted with Mama Schwag for probably 10 minutes, all the while making my way from the parking garage to the Coliseum. On my way there I saw several people "check me out," but I just chalked it up to me looking super hot today (I was completely disillusional obviously). I really didn't think anything of it until I hung up with my mom. Then I started to feel really, really chilly. Like, breezy almost. I just happend to look down and...HOLY SHIT... my dress had ridden all the way up my legs to my frickin' waist! I mean, I do have a pretty sexy body (again, haaaa), but showing off my vag to the entire world wasn't what I had in mind this particular Saturday afternoon. I booked it to the closest building to fix myself, but ALAS, the doors were locked. I ran to the next building and the doors were also locked! So I then ran down a random flight of outdoor stairs to fix my problem. Of all days, today was not an awesome time for this to happen. Mind you, 85,000 people are roaming the streets at any given time within in the Lincoln city limits. Sweet.

I guess somehow my stinking bookbag latched on to the backside of my dress and decided to allow it to ride all the way up my waist. I just thank the lucky stars above that I had black tights on or else people really would have seen my "Britney."

I think I'll probably keep the dress, even though it did play an evil trick on me.

Anyway, enough storytelling for tonight.
God Bless,

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Did that just happen?

I legitimately want to become a runner. I think setting running goals will be a heckuva lot easier than setting weight loss goals, so I'm trying to get into some sort of running routine at the YMCA.

The new Y on Fallbrook is amazing. They have all sorts of workout machines, including a shit-ton of treadmills. Its treadmills are much better than the ones in our apartment complex's clubhouse - plus they have mini TVs attached.

One of the great features of all treadmills, though, is their emergency STOP cords. Generally, you're supposed to attach it to an article of your clothing so in case you fall off the treadmill the machine stops. Not a tough concept, right?

Well, evidently the lady two treadmills down from me did not get this memo. Tonight, I was going about 6 mph and she was dominating my pace, so I'm going to say she was going at least 7 mph. We were both minding our own business, both watching Wheel of Fortune, when she tripped on her shoelaces...and....SPLAT. All I could think was, "Holy fucking shit!! Did that just happen?" I took a quick glance around and everyone else was obviously thinking the same thing.

Seriously, it was like watching a bug hit a windshield. Since her emergency cord didn't pull, she ended up sort of rolling off the treadmill. First her feet, then her legs, then her abs....but her feet got caught on the treadmill behind her and she just sort of laid there as her own treadmill ran over her. I really thought she was dead for a moment, but then she popped up like she didn't just fall of her treadmill. It all happened so fast and, if it weren't for the blood running down her arm, I probably would have believed nothing happened. That'll teach her to use her emergency cord.

But as for me....I'm thinking I'm going to try the stairstepper tomorrow....

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...

Not quite 99...yet.

Okay, just kidding, but really I just needed to throw back a few while I was writing my stinkin' scholarly journal assignment. My professor said it was okay. I swear he did. He said if we needed any inspiration at all we should drink some alcohol...or something along those lines. Never-the-less, I was inspired and I got the damn thing done. The end.

So evidently, I'm the only person to ever create new blogs on this thing. One-half of Jess and Jacy is not holding up to her end of the deal. It's probably because she's a bigger drunk than I am. JUST KIDDING. But she did mention something about projectile puking Saturday night...and still being drunk late Sunday morning...and mom having to wash the vomit off her shoe... herm... we're all entitled to have fun. We Schwager girls just take fun the the extreme when we have the time.

My weekend was spent in similar fashion. Saturday night, I truly believed I belonged in a Beyonce video shakin' my size xx ass to "Single Ladies." My friend, Tim, and I were even incorporating country swing dancing into a Jay-Z song. I was rockin' it for a few songs. But then I somehow managed to flail my arms right into some sweating (okay, more like oozing) guy's head. Reality check. I swear, all it took was a little ooze on my arm to be like, "WTF are you doing, Jess?! That guy is four feet away from you! How could you have possibly hit him with your arm? Your dancing is out of control. Go home, NOW!" So I did.

PS-I suck at this whole diet thing. If I could only give up alcohol.... My intentions are to workout tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes. Today I promised myself a morning workout, but instead managed to convince myself I didn't need to because of my beast-like dance moves Saturday night.

Goodnight and God Bless,

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Ask and You Shall Receive

Word got out that our readers want us back. And rightfully so because we are probably the coolest Jess-and-Jacy combo you have ever met. In all seriousness though, I sincerely would like to apologize for the lack of blogs recently. Life kind of got in the way of our writings, but I promise I'll try to keep writing more frequently.

A few changes have happened at the J&J household. Let's play catch-up.

Jacy started hair school at the College of Hair design on September 8 and I quite frankly don't know how she does it. A)She gets up at the ass-crack of dawn every morning and actually beautifies her self to boot and B)She has to play with hair (ughhhhhh so grosss) every day.

On her first day of school, she quickly learned that the mannequin dolls she worked on had REAL human hair. How sadistic is that? I'm not an idiot, I know that they have to practice on human hair, but I kinda figured it would be on HUMANS. The thought of wigs really just freaks me out. Then to add even more nastiness to the whole idea, she decided to show me a picture of this:
Yes, this is what you think it is. Her entire classroom is lined with mannequin heads. It's like something out of the Wizard of Oz 2. Really, truly gives me the heebie jeebies.

But somehow, Jacy manages to love hair school. There's actually a light in her eye when she comes home after a long day. I think it's great that she has some sort of schedule again, too. You'll all have to get twitter and follower her (ibscoob) because she posts pictures of her updos and styles. It's going to be really fun to see her progress!

As for me and my life. Well, school and work have started back up again and I'm not liking the school part at all. I think I jinxed myself when I first said all my classes were easy. Right now, I'm holding a steady 85 percent across all my classes... awesome. I just love bad grades... I could really just use a break from it all though. I've been so busy that today's the first day I've been able to do laundry/dishes for well over two weeks. I have 7 loads of laundry to catch up on and while I was putting dishes in the dishwasher I came across mold everywhere.

I've also been slacking on the work-out part, too. But I have tried to eat healthier. So far, since starting this whole blog thing, I've dropped around 5-7 pounds (depending on how much water I've had when I step on the scale!) I really want to keep this going. I just bought a bridesmaid's dress for my friend, Heather's wedding and I really feel like it's a dress that I can adjust if I do lose some weight. And it was a little smaller size than I thought it'd be, so that's a plus!

Jacy keeps tossing around the idea of running and training for a 10K or half-marathon. I can't run to my car and back without dry heaving, so I may have to flush this idea down the toilet. But I think it may be cool to try. Anyone have any tips for half-marathon training?

Well, I've just about chatted your ear off, so I'm going to get back to laundry/scrubbing mold off my sink. Thank you all for being loyal readers!!
God Bless,

Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor Day

Wowza. Jacy and I really sucked it up this weekend with our eating habits. We were caught in a whirlwind of Granite City/Breugger's Bagels/Marcus Theater popcorn/Blue Bunny ice cream/Al-al-al-al-al-alcohol. Okay, on a side note though, you MUST try Blue Bunny's birthday cake ice cream sandwiches. They really aren't all too terrible for you and they are probably the best ice cream sandwich I have ever had. Think Cold Stone's cake batter ice cream. Yummm!

Not only were we eating like complete crap, but we weren't working out either. We had good intensions, believe me. We set our alarm early each morning this weekend but ended up snoozing right through the wake-up calls. It's Labor Day weekend, right? We deserve a break from the daily grind, right?

Yeah, I couldn't convince myself of that either, so I ended up getting up and going to the Y today for a swim. But seriously, I don't think I'm meant for exercise. I LOVE to swim. I take it easy, go at my own pace, and sure enough an hour has past in, what seems like, 20 minutes. Today I wasn't so fortunate. Labor Day is a terrible day for lap swimming - wanna know why? Because every man, woman, and child thinks it's a great day for going to the Y. Parents have the day off so they think to themselves, "Gee, we haven't worked out for months. Why don't we get started back up with exercising and go to the Y today? We can just drop our kids off at the pool and let the lifeguards babysit them while we get back on a workout regimine." Okay parents - WAKE UP CALL - working out ONE DAY every six months is not going to keep you fit. Good intentions, but no cigar my friends.

Needless to say, my swimming workout was cut short when some asshole let 12 little boys swim in his lane (the lane right next to mine). Don't get me wrong, I typically love swimming through tidal waves every lap, but today I just wasn't in the mood.

Thanks, asshole.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Day 5? 6? 7?... yikes!

Hello old friends. We meet again. I'm sorry it's been so long. I guess life kind of got in the way (of blogging and from dieting). Don't get me wrong, Jacy and I have been trying to eat as healthy as we possibly can. Portion control! But taking those dang pills has been kind of tough. And my mom is in town and who wants to diet when their mom is buying them free food?? Haha. Oh crap, now she wants to go buy me free jeans. I'm out. We'll talk later.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Day 4: Needing Some Encouragement!

I love food. I know what you're thinking, "Well duh, everyone loves food." This may be true, but I think I may love food more than you. Yeah, that's right, I'm challenging your love for food. Wanna make something of it? I love almost all food. Except salads. Convenient, right?

Okay, I'll get to the point. What I'm trying to say is that I really enjoy all food except for healthy food, therefore I make a terrible dieter. I get pissy when I can't have the food that I want. I'm a very laid back gal, but the one thing that can get me riled up is simply not having food that I want when I want it. I think I get this from my father. He can be the angriest person you will ever meet when he's hungry...and I am the same way.

I didn't have to work for the first time in a while today, so there was no workout for me - I slept in for the first time in a while. But even if I wanted to get up, I couldn't have. I felt like complete ballsack today (pardon the vulgarity...but you should be used to it by now). I literally sat around all day, and everytime I would try to get up I would get extrememly dizzy. I wanted something other than egg whites, turkey, and grapes so badly I can't even describe it. Then of course came the call from Jessica that you read about in the previous post. To defend myself, she sounded a lot bitchier to me than she made it sound! Or so I thought... I thought we were supposed to be acting mad at each other! But after I yelled at her and hung up, she simply sent a nice text in response...which really startled me. If I were her, I would have given me a big rip-out session. To be fair though, she was rather naggy when she got home, and I just was not in the mood. Like I said, I was hungry and felt awful.

We discussed not only losing weight, but our health on our way over to the YMCA. This diet has been restricting our carbs, fat, sugar, and calories. Okay, I know these are all bad things, but aren't they also what you get your energy from? And when you're burning 1,500 calories a day on exercise, don't you need to replenish your energy storage a little?

I think you know where I'm going with this. We cracked. But cracking tastes so dang good. Taco John's and Oreos may have made me feel like Fatty McFatson, but it was worth it.

We'll get back on the bandwagon tomorrow, only not be starving ourself too much. We're actually waking up in 5 hours to go take a kickboxing class and continue the medicine.

Also, for the record, I made it with total "control" all the way to Grand Island and back yesterday. Also, I have been seeing numbers on the scale that are lower than they have been for a long time. Except for tonight...but I'm sure it's just the Taco John's still in my body. I'm really not too concerned though - the "cleanse" tablets will have it out in no time!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Day Four: Oops...

Let's just say Jacy and I had a little breakdown in our QuickTrim quest. We both started the day great... each eating, like, 80 calories all day. Anorexia? Probably. That's what we thought, too, so we decided to stop our eating disorder before it even started...and did what any natural human being might do when they're hungry... we ATE. And we ate well. I'ma talkin' 'bout some good ol' Tex Mex food courtesy of TACO JOHNS.

Earlier though, we really lost it. I'm talking lost it. Two hungry Schwager girls living under one roof was really scary. Okay, I don't think I'm that scary, but Jacy turns in to a fricking monster. Like ahhhhbugabugabugaahhhh scary. I called her on my way home from work today to see if I could just swing by the apartment and pick her up so we could stop by the YMCA and get a membership. Here's how the conversation went:

Jacy: "Hello?"
Me: "Hey, I'm at 14th and Superior right now. Can I just swing by and pick you up, it's been a really long day and I'm about out of gas. I don't really feel like turning off my car and climbing the stairs."
Jacy: "I haven't even brushed my teeth yetttt."
Me: "What the heck have you been doing all day?"
Jacy: "AHHHH. Why are you always yelling at me? If you're too Goddamned lazy to climb up the stairs then why the fuck are you getting a pass to the YMCA?"

The bitch hung up on me! What the hell? I was just trying to prove the point that since she's done absolutely nothing and I mean nothing today. She didn't even brush her teeth! But noooo. I'm an asshole for asking her to meet me downstairs.

Things between us didn't get much better until two burritos, two orders of potato oles, and an order of sopapillos later.

Lesson learned on Day Four: We can't possibly starve ourselves and get along under one roof.

New plan - continue to take QuickTrim, but eat a little more than 80 calories per day.

Soon you'll probably be getting Jacy's version of the story. Don't believe it. She's probably hungry again and is most likely going to be a monster in this blog as well.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Day Three: Weird Night

Up and at 'em after a really weird night's sleep. Jacy and I took four nighttime pills before bed and I think they might have caffeine in them because I was up for hours watching the ceiling. I should have known the night was going to be weird, considering how it started...

Jacy and I have been sleeping together so we actually wake each other up in the morning. If I'm not getting up, she'll push me out of bed and vice versa. Well, last night our bodies were completely exhausted after working out twice. As soon as she hit the sheets she kind of curled up next to me and I was just thinking, "what the f*ck is she doing?" I'm not much for snuggling, so I didn't move. Then I hear this "mmmm" come out of her mouth and I was really like, "WTF!!" And she started giggling and was like, "Wow, that was a really sexual sound." That it was. She claimed that her body was so relaxed it just let out a weird "mmmm" sound. I was completely grossed out nevertheless.

I swear these pills have some sort of giggling agent in them, too. All I do is giggle. I can't stop. I'll think if something remotely funny and lose it with laughter!

Okay, wow, it's 8 and I NEED to get ready for class. Long day ahead. Already ate some egg whites and tomatoes for breakfast, but not quite sure when/if I'll have time to eat again today. Wish me luck!!

PS-Thanks for all of the support everyone is giving us! We love the text messages and twitter messages - keeps us motivated!!!

God Bless,