Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Sweaty Betty

Friends, as of 7:55 this morning, I have officially lost 25 pounds since moving away from Nebraska. Not a HUGE number, but it's a 25 pounds less than I was last year at this time. And damnit, it is staying off come hell or high water. Seriously though, Jacy and I polished off three boxes of Girl Scout cookies last weekend and I didn't gain an ounce. It's gone for good.

I had a goal in mind when I started (which I'm about 40 pounds away from), but really it's just become a great journey for me. I've realized the importance of a healthy lifestyle instead of just focusing on a number. Sure, I get off track every once in a while, but I'm not secretly binging on fast food in my car. The biggest, most helpful thing to ask myself everytime I shove something in my mouth is, "Would I eat this in front of Ryan Lochte/Josh Hartnett/Jillian Michaels/Bob Harper?" If the answer is "Aw, hell no," then generally I put it down. Sometimes when I'm out to eat with friends I'll still indulge, but I'm not eating an entire plate of shit food. Instead, I'm just having a few bites of shit food and then I'll go back to my regularly scheduled program.

I'm also not being a giant lump of lard who never works out. You know those people who NEVER work out and still remain thin as a rail? (ahem, my BF Maggie...jerk). Yeah, well I'm not one of those people. The gym is my frienemy. But recently the gym has become my bestest friend in the whole wide world....thanks to one delectable gentleman.

Folks, I have this humungo, gigantuano crush on a boy at my gym. (Yes, after contracting Bieber Fever, I now call grown men "boys" and have begun using the word, "crush," to define my feelings for boys.) But really, a "crush" is the only way to describe it.

You know how when you were in ninth grade and you had a "crush" on the hot senior who dated the hottest girl in school? Yeah, that's what's happening here. I feel very Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles. Every time I go to the gym, I find find myself pouding it out twice as hard on the dreadmill just to show him how much of a beast I am. Fortunately for me, he somehow always manages to park his cute behind on the treadmill right beside me. Unfortunately for him, I kick his ASS every time. He runs 6 mph, I bump it to 8. He's at 6 percent incline, I put mine at 12. I kick ass so hard that I almost feel like roaring after my workout. Sadly there is one major downfall to my beast-dom....

I am the sweatiest mo' fo' on the planet.

Dude, I don't even drink my recommended 8-10 glasses of water every day and I still manage to ooze. I swear to you, if you put a 5-gallon bucket by my dreadmill, it'd be at least half full by the time I'm done.

Can you see my dilemma here? How disgusting must I look after my workouts? I try to wear colors like black or navy blue while I work out, but it's tough to hide my hair from looking like I just stepped out of the shower.

I'll be honest with you, this guy isn't even out of my league. I'd probably have a shot with this guy in a bar setting. But how the hell can he find me the least bit attractive when I look like I just ran 10 miles with a two-ton hippo riding me piggy back? It's impossible. Jacy keeps saying, "Ohhh, just make eye contact with him and then give him a smile." Yeah, Jace, I totally would if sweat didn't run down past my eyebrows and block my contacts so bad. Who doesn't love a chick who looks like she just got done seizing/sobbing uncontrollably/fighting off pink eye?

But in all honestly, I'm hoping he'll look past my sweatiness and see my inner badass. I mean, what other girl does 100 squats with 25 lb dumbells in each hand? And really, in the end, this whole "being healthy" business is about ME, not some cute guy with big arms and a nice tan.

But damn, watching him in the gym sure helps me on my journey.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Bieber Fever

I would give my left foot to be a teenage girl right about now.

All-in-all, I really hate this techy generation. (Ha! Like I should talk. I graduated from high school 5 1/2 years go.) But they have one thing that I am completely envious of......

*(Yes, I just put a heart after his name. He makes me swoon. It's the Fever.)

I was first introduced to Justin Bieber about a year ago on Chelsea Lately. I had heard his songs on the radio prior to his interview with Chelsea Handler, but honestly wasn't a huge fan. To me, he sounded like any other wannabe pop singer. And believe me, we already had too many wannabe pop singers roaming around. It wasn't until I witnessed his dazzling personality on E! that I fell in love with a boy half my age. He smiled, I smiled. And it wasn't just me either. I could tell Chelsea Handler had an adorable little crush on the adorable little boy as well. At that moment, I started paying attention to the prepubescent, shaggy blonde-haired boy and got giddy everytime "One Time" played on the radio.

A couple of months ago, I saw a commercial for Justin Bieber's movie, "Never Say Never," and made a vow to see the flick as soon as it came out. This was very unlike me. I HATE when young stars create anything autobiographical. I was a faithful Miley Cyrus fan until she came out with her book, "Miles To Go." And Lauren Conrad? Yup, she flew off my radar when she semi-wrote "L.A. Candy." But there was something so endearing about Justin Bieber. He never asked for the attention. He was an innocent bystander in his rise to the top. I didn't know much about him, so I was anxious to learn more in his documentary.

I was delighted when my friend, Kylie, texted me to see if I wanted to go to his movie with her last night.

I believe I replied with an eye roll and an, "UM, DUHHHHH."*
*(The Fever also has me using teenage lingo. One of the many side effects.)

Yesterday morning, I honored my vow by purchasing two tickets to "Never Say Never" on its opening night. About an hour after my glorious purchase, I heard one of my coworkers say, "What am I doing tonight? Well, I have to drop my three daughters (all under the age of 13) off at the theater to see that Justin Bieber movie...hahaha, yeahhh, we had to order tickets last night....the lines are supposed to be huge....all of my daughters' friends are going....oh yeah, they call it Bieber Fever."

I wasn't about to let a bunch of raging teenage girls scare me. Aw, heck no! I was going to this movie. And I had Cougartown and Demi Moore to thank. Persistence is key in stalking young prey. After all, Demi Moore beat out lots of younger women to become Ashton Kutcher's wifey. I will NEVER SAY NEVER.

So Kylie, Kylie's mom (Sheila), and I punched our tickets to the movie. It was the best decision of our lives.

The movie was amazing. I really have no words. The Biebs is freaking talented. He really isn't some wannabe pop star. He has real talent. The kid taught himself how to sing, dance, drum and play guitar. Not to mention he is charming and has the best smile (and hair) in the whole world. And he doesn't have looney toon parents like teen starts before him (think Lindsay Lohan's parents or Jessica Simpson's dad). He is the complete package.

As I was sitting in the theater last night, clapping along to the songs in his concert, watching all of the little girls get out of their seat and dance, I realized how utterly jealous I was of all of them. They could outwardly stalk Justin Bieber and not get arrested. They could weep when they saw him on screen and wouldn't get weird looks from adult strangers. I was born in the wrong era.

The only band I could worship was 'N SYNC and they didn't last long. Wellll, Justin Timberlake did A-OK for himself, but I was a JC Chasez fan. (And if you were a JC fan, you were NOT a Justin fan and vice versa.) I even wrote JC a letter once expressing how much it would mean to me if he came to my sister's wedding and performed. Did I hear anything back? NOPE. Justin Bieber would never leave his fans hanging. EVER. He loves his fans.

Other than 'N SYNC, I had weird, WEIRD taste in music. I loved Bette Midler, Cher, Semisonic, Sugar Ray and the Spice Girls (my musical taste was not unlike young, gay boys at the time). As for hot young boys to fantasize about? I did have the beautiful and talented JOSH HARTNETT. I plastered my closet door in his pictures. I wept when he died at the end of Pearl Harbor. I wrote him fan letters. I attempted to stalk him on an FCCLA trip to Minneapolis. No luck. Today's teenage girls have Twitter and Facebook to track Justin Bieber's location. I had NOTHING.

Let me reiterate my first statement...I would give my left foot to be a teenage girl right about now. Seriously, go see "Never Say Never" and you will understand why. Justin Bieber is a phenomenon and he's not going anywhere for a very long while. So I say you should just accept him into your lives and get down with the Bieber Fever. (Best illness I've ever had.)