Monday, March 14, 2011

Really? Baby Titties?

There are some really sick people in this world. Case in point: The fact that our most popular blog post on thus far has been "Baby Titties." Hey folks, I can SEE where people are viewing our blog from. Okay, I can't really see if you're accessing our blog naked from your living room computer while you sip white wine. But I can see what town your house is located in. (See the tracker to the right of this screen...scroll down a little. See it? Yeah, that's it.) I can also see how you stumbled upon our blog. For instance, I can see that "Baby Titties" has acquired 114 page views THIS YEAR, with most of the views coming from someone typing in "Baby Titties" on Google.

So here's what I want to know - are people look for the titties of a baby? Or surfing for girls with tiny breasts? Or were they really just looking for our blog, which, in fact, has nothing to do with the latter or the former. In fact, our blog had to do with baby kitties. Cats. Meow.

Really, I'm posting this blog more as a test. Hey, you out there! Yes, you. The one searching for baby titties. What are YOU really searching for? Pray, do tell. I'm quite curious.
In other, non-related news....

1) I met Aiden from Sex and the City (John Corbett) the other night at a tiny bar in Shawnee, Oklahoma. He's pretty tasty. Can you believe he's 49-years-old? Why is it that guys age so much better than women? That's a whole other blog topic. I won't go there. But feel free to gawk at this silver fox....

2) Jacy is kind of a jerk. We ordered pizza yesterday and the jackwagon dropped me off to pay for the pizza and never came back. I skipped out of The Hideaway, pizza in tote, only to find I had no ride. I also left my cell phone in her car. I wandered around the street aimlessly. Just as I started to wimper, I found her parked in a lot a half a block away. She was just playing around on her phone, unconcerned that I could have been murdered. Some people's kids...
3) I got my new Oklahoma driver's license and license plates, which leads me to believe that I can now drive like an Oklahoman (an utterly negligent, cell-phone gawking, inconsiderate, road-raging, no-blinker-using driver). No offense to my fellow Oklahomans, but y'all can't drive. I thought it was bad when they got 5 inches of snow, but it's really just bad all the way around. On my way home a couple of weeks ago, I counted 12 DIFFERENT CARS that didn't use their blinkers. TWELVE! In THREE MILES. Unacceptable. Yesterday, I literally shook my freaking fist at a car. Jacy witnessed. Who even shakes a fist anymore? It was the only gesture I could think of at the time... I felt it showed more heart and anger than just giving that ridiculous, good-for-nothing driver "the bird."
And on that note, I'm going to bed. Actually, I'm not going to bed at all. I thought it was a brilliant idea to order a grande skinny vanilla latte at 6:30 tonight. I'm going to be up a while. But I have a jolly good book to read - Water For Elephants. Read it. I can't put it down. Goodnight lovessss!

Sunday, March 6, 2011


Well, it's about that time. Yes, I'm annoucing my latest "fad" in dieting. First it was QuickTrim, then it was working out like a crazy person and now (drumroll please) it's Medifast. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to work out like a crazy person, but I think I need to be a bit more consistent on the whole not eating like shit part of the plan.

I took my last bites of human food last night with a 3 a.m. McDonald's run. Five hours later, I woke up and took my first bites of baby poop (i.e. Medifast's maple and brown sugar oatmeal). They don't call it Medi-FAST for nothing. A bowl of oatmeal here, a weightloss shake there - ayiyiyiiiiii - I'm going to need a lot of strength to get me through this one. Basically, the plan is to eat six times a day. I'll eat five "meals" that Medifast supplies to me and then I eat one Lean and Green meal that I prepare on my own. Today, I prepared chicken on my George Foreman and then ate a few cups of salad with low-fat dressing.

Do you know how hard it is to diet when someone else in the house is eating real food? At noon, Jacy knocked down some Mac and Cheese, at 4 p.m., she inhaled some sushi, and at the movies tonight she ate an entire box of milk duds. I have to confess, I did eat some edamame at the sushi joint, but I didn't think that was TOO bad considering the dreadful circumstances.

I've hit a plateau that I just can't seem to shake, so I'm going to try this crap for a couple of weeks and see how I do. I'll be sure keep y'all updated. Honestly, my posts could get reallllll interesting the next two weeks. Have you ever seen a Schwager deprived of food?? We're like rabid dogs. I'm sure I'll do something completely insane that I'll have to blog about. Stay tuned.....