Sunday, November 21, 2010

So Nice

I'm just curious - could someone tell me if I have, "I'M FRIENDLY. TALK TO ME" written across my forehead? If I did, would you tell me? For some reason people LOVE to talk to me. (Yeah, remember Big Burtha, the massage lady from a few months ago who told me about her obsession with cat mystery novels?) Don't get me wrong, I usually like to talk to people. But generally if you're missing all of your teeth, have a mullet and a mustache and a "Free Bird" shirt with a named tag that has "Billy Bob" scrolled across it, you and I probably won't have much in common.

Evidently I was looking like a super friendly dog lover when I stopped in to get a soda at a local gas station today. Instead of a Coke and a smile, I got a full ear. While filling up my to-go cup at the soda fountain, the store clerk (Billy Bob) said, "Hey girl, come here and check out this dog wearing sunglasses in that BMW." Convinced I was being punked, I pretended not to hear him. Alas, he did not believe my poor attempt of being deaf. He made his way over to the soda fountain to tap on my shoulder and direct me to the window.

Indeed, there was a dog wearing sunglasses sitting in the front seat of a blue BMW. As the car backed away from the curb, the dog casually made his way up and out of the sunroof. Miracle of miracles. "Is this real life?" I mumbled to myself out of Billy Bob's earshot.

Oh it was real life. In fact, Billy Bob knew the owners of the dog real well. They trained their dog to wear sunglasses. "You know how most owners train their dog to sit or shake? Well, these guys taught their dog how to wear sunglasses. Isn't that awesome??" Billy said.

"Really!?" I said with faux interest. "You mean to tell me they weren't strapped on or anything?!?"

"No, m'am. The dog just saw his mother wearing sunglasses and thought he'd try them out too. He doesn't know any different than to wear sunglasses." (Billy Bob sounded as if the dog had gone to Sunglass Hut, picked up a pair of Ray Bans and put them on with his opposable thumbs.)

"Wow, that's wild. Well my family used to raise Weimaraners, so I know all about dogs that like to dress up." (He stared at me blankly - had no idea what a Weimaraner is.) "You know, the grey dogs you see in calendars that are all dressed up? We'd dress them up and let them ride shotgun around town with us," I said (this was only a half-true story.)

"Oh really? Well my dogs are stupid. I have an Australian Sheppard who rocks. But I have this other little mutt that I want to kill."

"Oh, herm, well then why don't you kill him?" I asked. "HAHA! I'm just kidding - but why don't you find him a good home?"

"Oh I can't kill him considering what happened to his owners," he said.

"Oh, what happened to his owners?" I asked, hoping to hear his adopted dog was one of those that ate the face off of its last owner.

"His owner, my roommate, was murdered recently, so I have to take care of his dog now."

Murder? Seriously? Wow, I wasn't too far off with the face-eating-dog theory. That shit got me really interested.

"Your roommate was murdered?! How? Recently? Here? Where?" I inquired .

"Yeah, didn't you hear about the murder in Irving back on August 26th?"


"Oh girl, this is such a bad neighborhood. I want to move as soon as I can." (Um, Billy Bob, clearly you're contributing to the 'bad neighborhood' if you lived with some guy who got murdered. Not exactly on the up-and-up....)

He continued, "Yeah, my roommate was killed by his ex-girlfriend. I even talked to him that morning. Creepy, huh dude? They were going to the park together on a date and then it happened."


"She stabbed him to death," He said blankly.

"Oh, so that's why you have his dog, huh?"

"Yup, she couldn't take care of it because she's in jail. So be careful around these parts," Billy Bob said with a creepy grin on his chin.

"Okay...reallll sorry about your roommate. I'd better go, my friend is waiting for me." Yeah, I was really creeped out after his weird smirk. DON'T STAB ME AHHHH.

"It was great talking with you sweetheart. Come back and see me sometime!"

"Oh, yes, I will," I said as I ran into the magazine rack - almost in a dead sprint - I was trying to get out of there as fast as I could. "Fuuuck that hurt."

"Be careful girllll, see you sooooon!"

So, please, PLEASE tell me if I just look overly friendly. I think it's great to be nice and share smiles with people every now and again. But if I never hear another murder story, I think I'll be okay.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Get A Life

I just needed to share this fun little ironic story. A story that proves I seriously need to get a life. Tonight, I hit an all-time TV-watcher's low.

I went to the Nebraska vs. Kansas watch party tonight at a neat little (well, big) bar called Cape Buffalo. Unable to find seats at a table in the main bar area, my crew made their way to a small area with nice comfy couches. When we sat down, I noticed a cute family off to my right. They looked SUPER familiar but I just could not place them for the life of me. Did I babysit for their daughter? No. Did I work with the husband/father? No. Had I seen the wife/mother in a mall? No.

Well, I was in a Husker bar afterall, so I was sure I had bumped into them in Lincoln at some point in my life.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know these people in real life. I knew them from TV! WE tv to be exact. They were from freaking BRIDEZILLAS!!

A couple of months ago, my coworker and I were talking about Bridezillas. I mentioned that I am absolutely obsessed with WE tv and Bridezillas and she mentioned that she had a friend who was on the show. So, she found the webisode for me and we watched together after work one day. The whole episode looked so familiar and I was sure I'd seen it before (I'm awesome and watch reruns over and over again.).

Anyway, my coworker's friends are the Brizezilla people that were at the bar! And I, with all of my premium cable knowledge, RECOGNIZED THEM.

Small freaking world.

Friday, November 12, 2010

What I've Learned...

Well friends, I've done it. I have been in the great state of Texas for almost five months now. I didn't think I would make it this far. In fact, I almost didn't. Although I appeared happy-go-lucky for the first few weeks here (ha, ha!) I was actually miserable.

Mind you, this was the first time I have been away from Nebraska for more than two weeks in my entire life. And I'm not going to bullshit you: IT'S BEEN SCARY AS SHIT. Moving away to college was much, MUCH easier because you have built-in friends at the dorms. In college, I met some of my best friends while brushing my teeth in the community bathroom. But here, I actually have to leave my house in order to make friends. Quite terrifying to say the least.

After getting over my initial culture shock (and missing my family and friends terribly!), I've actually enjoyed myself. I work a lot on weekends, so I haven't had much of an opportunity to experience the full flavor of Dallas. But since moving here, I've been compiling a list of things I've learned/seen/done. So I thought I would share them with my oh-so-faithful readers.

1. Driving Nightmare!
We have roads that look like this here:

I come from a place where roads look like this:

(Okay, not QUITE like this. I think this might be a desert.)

There are sometimes, when I'm trying to merge onto a freeway, that I literally close my eyes and veer left, hoping for the best. Oh, and did I mention that I drive a Grand Prix. I LOVE my car, but everyone down here drives a BMW/Lexus/Batmobile. Do you know how much pressure is on me to drive less ignorant down here? If I hit the freaking Batmobile, my insurance will drop me because repairing one headlight costs more than all of my college loans combined.

2. Watch out for old women!
You know how highways have marquees to tell you if a child is missing and what not (Amber alerts, I think they're called)? Well, down here, the only signs I ever see are "Missing Elderly Woman" signs. For some reason, elderly men never go missing. But watch out for those elderly women! The signs don't have descriptions of the missing elderly woman on them, so how the heck am I supposed to spot her? Do I report any and every elderly woman who looks lost? And how do I report if they don't give me a phone number? And, the biggest question, how does someone misplace their grandmother? Watch her ass. It's not like she's going to BOLT out the door.

3. There are Huskers EVERYWHERE.
I repeat: There are Huskers EVERYWHERE. Last night, I went over to Fort Worth to work a TCU volleyball. I started chit-chatting with the official scorekeeper and it's like she spotted me and KNEW I was a Nebraskan. It's like we bonded without ever saying we were born and raised in Nebraska. She said something about how she reffed some games for Chadron State a few months ago. We chit-chatted about Chadron State and her family in Western Nebraska until I realized, "Oh my gosh, I'm from Nebraska, too!" So then I mentioned I was from Nebraska and then we all of a sudden had so much in common.

Oh, and not to mention the time I was in Norman, Oklahoma, for a football game a few months ago. I was wearing a Husker Alumni shirt (no, I didn't wear THAT to a Sooners game) and some lady came up to me and asked me where I was from. Come to find out, her dad (or was it grandpa?) built the church I grew up in. I'm telling you, Nebraskans are freaking everywhere. And they can sense other Nebraskans around them. It's weird.

4. I prefer cowboys.
Before I moved to Texas, I was a businessman sort of gal. Love me some men who wear suits and ties to work every day. All of that has changed down here. Give me a man who works with his hands on a ranch all day. Now I'm prowling for cowboys. There is something so damn sexy about a Texas cowboy. It's like they're more legit than Nebraska cowboys (even though I know that's not the truth). But everytime I see a guy in a Cowboy hat, I think to myself, "Could this guy be the next George Strait?" Even if he's missing all of his teeth and half of his hair, I'm still drawn like a moth to a flame.

Okay, that's my list for now. Sorry it's only a list of four items. I decided if I go any longer, I might completely bore you to death. (Well, actually, my lunch break is up and I don't want to appear to be a slacker.) I'll add more items at a later date.

Thank you all for your love and support on my journey!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Friday Blues

It's Friday. TGIF, right? But for some reason I kind of feel like singing the Friday blues. I don't mean that figuratively, I mean that quite literally. In about two seconds, I may pounce on this desk and play fake air guitar while I sing about how I feel like a stroke victim today. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just haven't been able to see straight all day because the sun glared into my eye balls for the first two hours of work. I keep seeing these little black and yellow patches everywhere I look (and it's been about seven hours...maybe I should get that checked out).

But in all seriousness, I think that there might be something wrong with me. Like I've been watching too much Glee. For some reason, I have this continuous urge to belt out in song. Last night I even turned my urge into reality. My roommie's dog kept whining at me and I had zero idea what he wanted from me. So, at the top of my lungs, I belted out "What do you want from me?" by Adam Lambert. Needless-to-say, the dog stopped his whining and hid in a corner, probably deathly afraid of me and my terrible voice.

Not to mention I have had the Glee themesong stuck in my head for three weeks straight. Dododododododododd. See, it's still there! I have no idea what to do. I think I may need to go to a looney bin.

Hmm...other than me clearly being obsessed with Glee, I've made a BIG change in my life. I am completely and 100 percent DONE WITH TWITTER. Well, me personally. I still have to Tweet for work, but my Goldschwager account is gone. Finished. And I am not sad at all. It seems like the Twitter world has sure missed me because I've had SO many people wondering where I've been. Yeah, not at all. Seriously people, you really didn't notice I left? I've wasted so much effing time tweeting and you can't even tell me goodbye! Bullshit.

At first I thought Twitter was pretty cool. I could follow all of the celebs that I so dearly loved. And then I realized that celebs are stupid. For instance, I used to love Kim Kardashian before I started following her on Twitter. Now I think she sucks. She has like 1 billion followers and she tweets about the dumbest shit. Do I really care that she wore a stupid Little Red Riding Hood costume for Halloween? No, no I don't. How freaking original. She should take a page out of Heidi Klum's book and go as something really kick ass (seriously, Heidi rocks - Google her Halloween costume from this year.) If I had unlimited amounts of money, I sure as shit wouldn't go as Little Red Riding Hood. That's just insane.

I realized that since I don't care about someone as famous as Kim Kardashian, then who the hell cared about my insignificant tweets? That's right, NO ONE DOES! And I don't care about yours either. When I want news, I'll tune into other, more reliable websites. And when I want to hear what you're eating for breakfast, I'll text you and ask.

I'm signing off now after my Friday blues/Twitter rampage. Enjoy your weekends folks! And instead of Tweeting about how awesome your life is, can you just go out and have a real-life awesome life? Thanks.