Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Oh Jacy

I just got this text from Jacy (we really have some creeps that live in our apartment complex) and I thought I'd share.

"I just googled sex offenders in Lincoln. None live in our apartment complex. I almost hoped there was one so we could use that as an excuse to move."

Friday, December 25, 2009

Cabin Fever

Per Miss Carol's request, I have finally decided to write a blizzardy blog. God only knows why she would want to read this blog...maybe she's even more bored than I am? Believe me, Carol, this will be a really, really boring blog.

A little background on today's blog: Jacy and I headed home from Lincoln to Chambers on Tuesday morning to settle in at home for Christmas. Snow was on the way and Dad said either come home on Tuesday or stay in Lincoln through Christmas. Having never missed a Schwager family Christmas in all the years of our lives, Jacy and I packed on up and made the three-and-a-half hour trek home.

Little did we know we wouldn't see the outside world for nearly four days. Day one, we were fine - reading, watching TV, napping - the world at our hands! Day two - a little of the same - we finished season two of Nip/Tuck and were really disappointed because it ended with quite the cliffhanger. Day three - we began to get bored, but were able to push through because, after all, it was Christmas Eve and the next day the Schwager family Christmas would commence. As we woke up on day four (after a long winter's nap and sugar plums dancing in our heads and all of that) we looked at the window to find a very, very white Christmas. :(

After much debating, my sister (Gina), her husband (Barry) and their son (AJ) decided against the 12-mile journey to our little house on the prairie, meaning Mom, Dad, Jacy and I had to go it alone this Christmas.

Naturally, Jacy and I poured ourselves some Bloody Marys to start the day. Poor choice, because two Bloody Marys in and we were both about half-looped. So we moved on to beer. That's when we got the clever idea to video tape a Christmas message to Gina on Facebook. Check it out - we do look pretty looped....Then I slept. It was nice. I woke up to more nothingness. Really, this day just seems like a giant blur.

I believe it was after my nap when Mom and Jacy decided we needed to play board games. (more like bored games?). I wanted to play the Ouija board. Mom and Jacy thought it was far too sacrilegious to play on Christmas. So, I agreed to play what they wanted to play - Sequence. Of course Mom didn't tell me that she was actually a professional athlete at that game. I'm positive she schedules out several hours a day to practice. At one point in "family" board game playing, I even texted my friend, Heather, to say that my mom was a slut because of her really mean board game tactics. I'm very respectful to my madre, but she was really being a giant asshole. She won, like, seven sequence games in a row. I think she was one game away from yelling, "SUCK IT" (vulgar movements and all) at Jacy and I.

I was pissed, so I said I was "going to take a nap," which meant, "I'm getting the hell away from my Sequence-crazed mom." About 30 minutes into my nap I was bored, so Jacy and I recorded a few more Facebook videos and then played another board game - Boggle. Neither of us really knew the rules, but once we semi-figured them out we played a couple of games. Jacy was literally killing me. I would find maybe three words for her 10. I was a pathetic mess. So I threw a giant tantrum and said I was going to "take a nap." (Again, code for "If I'm around Jacy one more second of my life, I will throw her out in a snow bank for being so good at Boggle.)

So, all-in-all, what has this day taught me? First off, I will never, ever, EVER, sign up to be on the TV show Big Brother. NEVER. I love my family more than anything else in the world, but I am sick of them after only four days of being together. Can you say CABIN FEVER?

Secondly, I will never again play Sequence with my mom. She showed me the evil side of Christmas.

Thirdly, I've learned that a little Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" video can boost anyone's spirits.

Seriously, Carol, check it out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I

Like I said, this blog is really long and really boring. But I'm just trying to mimic the sort of day I've had. Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Hello Friends

With dead week underway and finals week next week, I doubt I'll have any desire to post anything worth reading the next couple weeks. Please visit our blog after the chaos is over!

PS - You know what a nice thing of you to do would be? Come visit us bearing some sort of gift (we really like cookies, cake, and alcohol). Our apartment is really cute right now. We even have TWO Christmas trees. Okay, thanks!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thank God for the Second Amendment.

I probably should be in bed right now, as I have a three-and-a-half hour trek to make tomorrow, but tonight made me think of a story that I have yet to share on this blog. And it does indeed involve Jacy (The other half of this blog. You probably don't know her because she never, ever writes on here. I've given up hope.)

Anyway, a few drinks with friends tonight (whose names will remain anon to protect the identity of my friends) and some storytelling made me think of my own story from long ago.

Picture it: Somewhere between Chambers and Ewing, Nebraska. 2003. Or was it 2004? Anyway, picture a wintery evening at the Schwager household. No parents. Just three daughters trying to survive in the blistery winter evening. Or was it spring? I really don't know. I'm an English major, so I'm taught to make shit up. (Some like to call it fiction.) However, this story really did happen. Parts of it anyway.

My ma and pa had left the ranch for a few days on a trip to Vegas, and had put my older sister, Gina, in charge of taking care of me and Jacy. If you really don't know anything about the dynamics of my family, just know this: We are the epitome of birth order. I'm the peace keeper, while Jacy and Gina fight all of the time. Well, they don't really fight too much anymore because they've both become more mature. ha. ha.

One particular night, while my parents were still away, Gina and Jacy lost it. I couldn't even tell you what the fight was even about. They were probably fighting over something stupid like who won Monopoly. For real. They're like that. But anywho, that's not the point. The point is that they frickin' lost it.

The fight began with words - lots of cunning spit-fire back and forth, back and forth. Gina and Jacy are the queens of the "last word." They could go on for hours just shouting something like"Pickles" as long as "Pickles" was the last word. The verbal fight continued for a while. I tried to distract them, but it was no use.

Eventually the verbal war turned into a full-out brawl. I know I said Gina and Jacy were good with words, but they may be much better with fists. They started hitting each other with little things first...dad's backscratcher...mom's flyswatter... you know, the norm. I'd interject with a, "For the sake of this family, please stop making fools out of yourselves," or, "Hey, I'll get you all a bowl of ice cream if you stop right now." Food always worked for me, but my offers were no use.

It wasn't until the two started picking up the kitchen chairs WWE-style that I came unglued. I honestly couldn't take the madness anymore, so I did what any normal and sane 15-year-old would do....

I grabbed Dad's rifle and aimed it at them. Then I probably said something along the lines of, "You best shut the f*ck up, mutha f*ckers or I will bust a cap in your @$$." (Chambers is full of gansters.)

Mind you, I didn't really have any intentions to shoot, but I guess the wild look in my eye proved differently. The two ya-hoos stopped fighting immediately and listened to every word that fell from my lips. Although Gina and Jacy still bicker quite a bit, I have never, ever seen them act so stupid again. To this day, I bet images of Dad's rifle still dance in their heads when they even think about fighting.

See, guns really don't kill people. They just make them shut the hell up.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Bittersweet Symphony

I'm not really one for being sad or carrying on or anything like that. I've always welcomed change and gone with the flow. But I'm having a bit of a bittersweet moment tonight.

As the final seconds of the game clock ticked down during tonight's Nebraska game, I became a bit overwhelmed and a bit misty-eyed. For five years, I had been apart of something so great, so amazing, something completely unbelievable. Most of the time I shrug my job off, complaining of the pay or the hours I work. I never, ever, got caught up in the hype of working for Nebraska athletics. I wanted to play it cool, act like running into athletes everyday was normal.

But believe me, it is not normal. No matter how many times I run into Tom Osborne or Ndamukong Suh, I still lose my breath. Working for Nebraska athletics will forever be one of my most cherished moments.

Now my time at Media Relations is coming to a close. I celebrated my own "Senior Day" at the Nebraska-Kansas State football game tonight. Never again will I step foot in that press box as a student worker. People keep telling me it's just a job, that I will get over it. But I don't know how I'll possibly get over the fact that I got to greet Mr. Tom Osborne every other day in my cubicle. Five years of my life has been devoted to the Nebraska Athletic Department and it will be so hard to turn my back on something so wonderful.

Although I have no idea where my next path may lead or even if I'll stay working in athletics, one thing is for certain: There truly is no place quite like Nebraska.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Just jiggle it...

I really like Jacy being at the College of Hair Design. Wanna know why? Because her family members get a College of Hair Design discount! HECK YEAH! This discount has really helped me find my inner fake broad. And it all started off with a fake bake - the healthy way - with a spray tan!

Last week, I went to the CHD asthetics school to get a spray tan per Jacy's suggestion. The tanning experience was unlike any other. I was forced to strip down into bathing suit bottoms, where I was then instructed to lie belly-up on a crazy "Hostel"-like bed. (It's actually some sort of fancy shower than manipulates the body's muscles and fat tissues, but it looked like a killing machine...eek!) Then, a CHD student came in and rubbed me down with all sorts of exfoiliators before spray tanning me. Everything went alright in the spray tan, well minus the fact I had to wear disposable underwear! Yeah, awkward considering they resembled a g-string. After the tan I had to air dry in front of a fan for 20 minutes. My spray tan lady had just left the room and I was standing almost naked in front of a fan and a mirror with my arms up to dry the tan. In such a position, I noticed the lovely fat deposits that hung from my arms. So what does any normal person, standing spread-eagle in front of a mirror do? Jiggle their arm fat of course! About five swings into my arm-fat jiggling, I looked up to find that my spray tan technician was staring straight at me... with a horrified look on her face. Then, instead of pretending like she didn't see anything, she had the audacity to ask me if everything was okay. I just gave a little grin and said it was weird how the spray tan clung to every hair on my body.

Needless to say, I went in again yesterday for another spray tan and I requested another lady to do my tan. Things got a little too personal between me and the first lady...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Ya'll should check this out...

I'm constantly looking for new dieting tips and hits, so I thought I would pass a really awesome tool on to our readers. Check out the Biggest Loser books at Barnes and Noble! They're only 6 bucks right now and they provide an array of exercises (from beginner to advanced). Ch-ch-ch-check it out!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Box Stuffers

Let's be honest here. I'm not the most athletic person in the world. I'm also not the most unathletic, but outside of volleyball and basketball I really suck ass at sports. Sometimes I can play slowpitch softball, but that's a rarity. Naturally, in my fifth year of college (when my bones are brittle from old age) I decided to partake in a sport that I had never even heard of before.

It is called broomball.

And it is very dangerous for assholes like me who think I can walk and chew gum at the same time. It's basically like hockey only with smaller sticks and tennis shoes instead of skates. Sadly, I think I'd be more coordinated at hockey.

I tried broomball for the first time last night... and it was a complete disaster. You know that part in Bambi when Bambi is first born and he really can't get his footing under him? Yeah, that's me the entire time I try to walk on the ice. Yesterday I got a little cocky when I first started out and tried jogging on the ice. Bad decision. Next thing I knew I'm laying ass down on the ice with a throbbing elbow. After peeling myself up off the ice, I tried taking it a little easier when I "ran" down the rink. But then I just looked like a bloody fool prancing around like that.

Again, I tried to pick up the pace a little bit and I was doing pretty well mind you, but out of nowhere some asshole from the other team lost his footing and came barreling toward me. That time I nearly saw stars as my knee bashed into the ice. OUCHHHH. Our team (The Box Stuffers) tied last night's unofficial match 1-1. And while my team worked on game plans for today, I was just out purchasing some elbow pads and knee pads to ensure I didn't break any bones tonight.

Tonight's match went a little better. Despite having a knee swollen up twice as much as it should be, a still-throbbing elbow, and a bruised ego, I gave broomball another try tonight. My efforts weren't much better...granted I could kind of put the ball where I wanted it tonight and I only fell ONCE, but I'm still rather terrible. It's very nice of my teammates to put up with me though. They actually act like I'm apart of the team, which is nice. I know when I'm encountering an awful player, I just ignore them and act like they don't exist on my team (poor sport, but whatever). The Box Stuffers came out tonight and won, like, 9-0. Thank God my teammates can cover up my terrible mistakes.

We only have two games left until playoffs... maybe I'll continue to get better. Or maybe I'll just be on the sidelines in case someone needs a breather. :(

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Oh Apartment Living...

Jacy and I never should have opted to live together. We are the two messiest human beings in the entire world. I love how I'm always bagging on her for being a slob, but in all reality, I'm a complete Messy Jessie...I just have a bigger closet to hide my mess in. But two weeks ago I hit an all-time high in my messy/lazy-ass nature.

Jacy and I were taking a break from our normal homework routines to do our nails. We used numerous cotton swabs and Kleenexes (filled with nail polish remover) to get our nails to look perfect. Our nails looked damn good, but when we were all finished the apartment smelled like a little Asian nail parlor. I tried stuffing the cotton swabs/Kleenexes to the bottom of my trash can, but the smell permeated throughout the entire apartment.

It was raining cats and dogs out, so I didn't really want to run the trash outside. But the apartment smelled soooo bad. Usually, I would just throw the trash out on the balcony, but Deer Park has strict rules prohibiting apartment dwellers to put trash on the balcony. So...I did what any genius would do. I threw the mass of cotton swabs/Kleenexes down the toilet.

Poor frickin' choice. It seemed to all go down the first time. But then I used the bathroom later that evening and my toilet was most certainly clogged. I didn't know what the heck to do! Jacy and I didn't own a plunger! So I ran down to the local Walgreens and bought a $3.99 plunger and then googled how to plunge a toilet. (This is how truly clueless I am.) NOTHING WORKED!

By this time, I was way too scared/embarrassed to call the Deer Park offices for help. I really didn't want them snaking the toilet or anything like that for fear they would find my mass of fingernail polish supplies. So, I again did what any normal genius would do - I just let the toilet be. For two weeks.

After using Jacy's toilet for two weeks, I finally got up the gumption to go into the Deer Park offices and ask for assitance. I mean, clogged toilets are a pretty common thing, right? But the first thing my landlord asked me was how did I clog the toilet. Frickin' awkward question, right? Most people clog toilets by, well, pooping, right? So who in their right mind would ask that awkward question!? I just ignored the question and acted like I had NO IDEA what happened... But I nonchalantly said that my trashcan sat right by my toilet, so something definitely could have made its way into my toilet...

Needless to say, she finally sent someone over to unclog the toilet...And she gave me a sweet-ass plunger! Now when I'm feeling extremely lazy I can stick anything down the toilet and get it unclogged safely.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Itsy Bitsy Spider...

...freaked the Schwager sisters out.

I've lived in Claremont Park Apartments. I know what a spider is. In fact, spiders were kind of like my fourth roommate at Claremont. But since moving into Deer Park Apartments, I have yet to see one single spider... until last night. That's when all hell broke lose.

Jacy and I were getting ready for bed last night and it is frickin' cold in our apartment. So unless A) it warms up (not likely) or B) we turn on our heater, Jacy and I have been sleeping in my bed to huddle together for warmth. Well, evidently a spider friend thought he was invited to our slumber party too, because there he was lingering in the shadows of the ceiling. He was inconvienently and quite strategically positioned right where the ceiling and the wall connect, so killing him seemed next to impossible.

After much thought, I told Jacy I didn't really want to kill the spider because I didn't really want it to send out sonar to its spider buddies and I didn't really want its spider buddies attacking us in the middle of the night. (I only said this because I knew I didn't have enough coordination or patience to stand on a stool and coax the spider out of its hiding place). Jacy said, "SCREW THAT. I'll get a fly swatter."

Naturally, she hands me the fly swatter and makes me kill the booger. I tried to convince it to scurry down the wall so I could get a good swing at him, but he wasn't having any of that. Instead, he b-lined for the ceiling and started heading toward me. So, I held the fly swatter upside down and swung with all my might. Unfortunately, my might wasn't good enough, because I saw it crawl from underneath my fly swatter and descend to the ground. When I say descend, I think it actually created a web and gracefully glided to the ground. It was like something out of Charlotte's web.

That's when Jacy and I both throw a total conniption. Running around, skipping, hopping, shivering, jittering, shaking. What have you. Jacy made it very clear she was not sleeping in my bedroom last night and instead, we would sleep in her bedroom. So, I hopped up on my bed and gathered our cell phones and lept from my bed to the hallway (because the spider was somewhere in between my bed and the hallway) Ask me how I did that and I'll tell you I had no idea. Jacy did applaud me for my quite athletic move though. Said it was the quickest she'd ever seen me jump/run.

Theennn Jacy, the little pervert, made me strip off all my clothes and throw them in the living room because she thought maybe our spider friend clung to me and was going to find his way into her bed. She also made me shake out my hair since it may have also embedded itself into my head I guess. I was an ass though and shook my hair out alll over her bed. :D

We never did find our spider friend. I suppose we'll be on the lookout again tonight.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Two Jacys? Eh?

Jacy and I are sitting here together for once in our lives. We haven't seen each other for days and days and it's very sad. However, we reunited only to find out that we seriously have some sort of plague or something. It's some sort of freaky-deeky boy plague. No lie. But then, after discussing our boy issues (which I will definitely save for another blog), Jacy told me about some facebook stalker girl.

Please listen. This is very important information that you should not take lightly.

Jacy and I started talking about pen names and fake email addresses and all of that stuff we all used to do when we were second graders. But, evidently, there's some sort of Jacy stalker on the loose. Well, I'm not quite sure if she really is a stalker, but all of the evidence leads to stalkerisms.

Back in February, one of Jacy's friends (we'll call him Bob) sent her an email to tell her that some girl going by the name "Kasey Marie" had stolen all of Jacy's pictures off of facebook to create her own profile. At first, Jacy just thought it was some sort of scam or something, but sure as shit, Jacy looked up the name "Kasey Marie" and found her (Jacy's) face as the profile picture! Can you believe this?

Then Bob told Jacy that Kasey (getting confusing, I know) had created, like, seven different facebook albums all featuring the Jacy we all know and love. She would also put captions under all of the pictures...i.e. Me spiking the volleyball!; Me with my besties!; Me looking hot!; etc.

Jacy got completely freaked out so decided to add this girl as a friend. But Kasey Marie decided to fall of the face of the earth. Then, suddenly, tonight Jacy thought of doing a facebook search for her and SHE WAS FRICKIN' ON FACEBOOK AGAIN!! She was even sporting a profile picture of Jacy and her boyfriend kissing. Can you believe this shit??

Omigosh, so the moral of this story is...PROTECT YOUR SHIT. Please. Don't worry, my detective nose is on this like white on rice so we will get to the bottom of this. But still...be careful out there on this wonderful thing called the world wide web.
God Bless!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

On a more serious note...

I apologize for the late-night blog. I'm just really having a hard time right now, so I need to let it alllll out.

My body has been completely numb today. I've put on a front, I've gone about my business and done my thing, but I'm feeling completely and inevitably numb. I may have no right to feel numb, but I do and I can't stop feeling that way.

A guy I grew up with died today.

All my mind can form right now, all my mind could form all day, were images of him. It's weird really. I just keep seeing us, both probably 4 or 5 years old, as his mom dropped us off to the swimming pool for swimming lessons. I remember hopping out of the back seat and getting ready to shut the door behind me. But he just kept crying. He didn't want to go to swimming lessons. Did he come with me? I really can't remember. All I can see is shutting the door and looking back at him through the window...at his tear-stained cheeks.

And then there was the time at my grandma's house when we were playing some obscure game of musical plastic chairs. A bunch of us kids were hopping chair-to-chair for some damned reason. And he broke the red one. Or was it the orange one? I just remember he and I were the biggest kids in the group, but he just happened to break his chair. We all laughed at him. I remember feeling terrible for laughing, because it could have easily been me, but I just kept laughing and laughing...while he cried.

My mind flashes to sophomore year and how badly I wanted to go to prom for some stupid reason. He asked me. I found the perfect dress and I was so excited to go. He picked me up at my house in his pickup. I really just remember a couple of things. How his parents made such a big deal out of prom pictures. It was his junior prom after all - the first time he could go to prom. But, quite literally, all I can remember the most is getting in his pickup and looking at his dashboard and seeing this surfer guy roll across his CD player. He had some animated CD player like I had never seen before....should he? Could he? Is it okay that he has these flashing lights on his dash? I had no idea. I knew he had episodes before, but everything always turned out okay...

Today he had one of those episodes. Sometime this week, his parents will have to put him in the ground. No weddings, no babies, nothing... just prom pictures.

Numb, numb, numb.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ignorance is Bliss...

...or something like that.

The amount of ignorant people in my Tuesday afternoon English class is quite bewildering. You may be reading this and thinking I'm just a bitch on my soap box. And you're quite right. I've had it up to here in this stupid class. Well, I shouldn't say "stupid class" because I think my professor is quite intelligent. But the idiots in my class are mind-blowing.

Take the dumbass who sits in front of me. Even my I-Pod (on its highest level, mind you) can't tune this crazy out. Every day it's something new. How obnoxiously rich her parents are and how they wanted to send her to a private school, but she decided to be the nice daughter that she is and suggest the University of Nebraska at Lincoln. I guess she's from Minneapolis, so she's paying out-of-state tuition anyway. Would this be much different than some Minnesota private school? Who knows. Either way, her Chuck Taylors and basic Target Ts tell me that she is definitely not the richest chick on the planet.

A week ago, I got so bored with the remarks in this class that I began to count the number of times my peers used the word, "like." In 15 minutes, the word "like" was, like, used, like, over 120 times. Since, like, the majority of the students in this class are, like, English majors, you would think, like, their vernacular would, like, be slightly more advanced - well at least, like, while they're, like, in the English college. Outside of class, like, I could really give, like, two shits what they talk like.

But today hit a whole new level of stupidity. We were discussing Willa Cather and her overall dislike for Nebraska. Something got brought up about how city folk don't know much about Nebraska life. Some girl, who said she was from Omaha, was really sad that out-of-staters think Nebraska is full of a bunch of cattle and cornfields. After all, she is from Omaha and to find cattle or cornfields, one would have to drive miles and miles out of the Omaha city limits. Then - here's where her knowledge of Nebraska really shined through - she said she could sometimes understand where the out-of-staters were coming from because 93 percent of Nebraska's land is filled with cornfields.

Ninety-three percent? Really? I mean, I would like to think that if 93 percent of Nebraska is a cornfield that NE could probably provide ethanol-enriched fuel to the entire country.

What would I know, though? I'm just po' country folk.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Rough day. Period. Exclamation point.

So I bought this new dress yesterday at Target. I'm really into this whole boho look for some re-damn-diculous reason. May not be stylish what-so-ever, but it's very, very comfortable. Anyway, I bought this dress for 24 bucks and I've already gotten a ton of good out of it. I wore it last night with a pair of leggings and some flats and then I wore it again today (washed, of course) with a pair of tights.

Last night everything with the dress functioned properly. Shoot, last night I would have even considered that dress a lucky dress considering the nice texts I was receiving from a nice young man. But today was a completely different story. Perhaps the dress didn't like the tights I picked out? Or maybe it was the gross flats I chose to wear? Either way, the dress frickin' turned on me. I'mma talking full out, exorcist, green-puke spewing out of possessed girl's head, turned on me.

I had to go to work at volleyball at noon today. So, I left my place at 11:30 to give myself plenty of time to make my way through the madness downtown and to my parking garage. In the meantime I gave my mom a call for a quick chat. While managing to keep my mom on the line, I slung my backpack over my shoulders, clutched onto my purse with one hand, and held my cell phone tight in my other hand.

I chatted with Mama Schwag for probably 10 minutes, all the while making my way from the parking garage to the Coliseum. On my way there I saw several people "check me out," but I just chalked it up to me looking super hot today (I was completely disillusional obviously). I really didn't think anything of it until I hung up with my mom. Then I started to feel really, really chilly. Like, breezy almost. I just happend to look down and...HOLY SHIT... my dress had ridden all the way up my legs to my frickin' waist! I mean, I do have a pretty sexy body (again, haaaa), but showing off my vag to the entire world wasn't what I had in mind this particular Saturday afternoon. I booked it to the closest building to fix myself, but ALAS, the doors were locked. I ran to the next building and the doors were also locked! So I then ran down a random flight of outdoor stairs to fix my problem. Of all days, today was not an awesome time for this to happen. Mind you, 85,000 people are roaming the streets at any given time within in the Lincoln city limits. Sweet.

I guess somehow my stinking bookbag latched on to the backside of my dress and decided to allow it to ride all the way up my waist. I just thank the lucky stars above that I had black tights on or else people really would have seen my "Britney."

I think I'll probably keep the dress, even though it did play an evil trick on me.

Anyway, enough storytelling for tonight.
God Bless,

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Did that just happen?

I legitimately want to become a runner. I think setting running goals will be a heckuva lot easier than setting weight loss goals, so I'm trying to get into some sort of running routine at the YMCA.

The new Y on Fallbrook is amazing. They have all sorts of workout machines, including a shit-ton of treadmills. Its treadmills are much better than the ones in our apartment complex's clubhouse - plus they have mini TVs attached.

One of the great features of all treadmills, though, is their emergency STOP cords. Generally, you're supposed to attach it to an article of your clothing so in case you fall off the treadmill the machine stops. Not a tough concept, right?

Well, evidently the lady two treadmills down from me did not get this memo. Tonight, I was going about 6 mph and she was dominating my pace, so I'm going to say she was going at least 7 mph. We were both minding our own business, both watching Wheel of Fortune, when she tripped on her shoelaces...and....SPLAT. All I could think was, "Holy fucking shit!! Did that just happen?" I took a quick glance around and everyone else was obviously thinking the same thing.

Seriously, it was like watching a bug hit a windshield. Since her emergency cord didn't pull, she ended up sort of rolling off the treadmill. First her feet, then her legs, then her abs....but her feet got caught on the treadmill behind her and she just sort of laid there as her own treadmill ran over her. I really thought she was dead for a moment, but then she popped up like she didn't just fall of her treadmill. It all happened so fast and, if it weren't for the blood running down her arm, I probably would have believed nothing happened. That'll teach her to use her emergency cord.

But as for me....I'm thinking I'm going to try the stairstepper tomorrow....

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...

Not quite 99...yet.

Okay, just kidding, but really I just needed to throw back a few while I was writing my stinkin' scholarly journal assignment. My professor said it was okay. I swear he did. He said if we needed any inspiration at all we should drink some alcohol...or something along those lines. Never-the-less, I was inspired and I got the damn thing done. The end.

So evidently, I'm the only person to ever create new blogs on this thing. One-half of Jess and Jacy is not holding up to her end of the deal. It's probably because she's a bigger drunk than I am. JUST KIDDING. But she did mention something about projectile puking Saturday night...and still being drunk late Sunday morning...and mom having to wash the vomit off her shoe... herm... we're all entitled to have fun. We Schwager girls just take fun the the extreme when we have the time.

My weekend was spent in similar fashion. Saturday night, I truly believed I belonged in a Beyonce video shakin' my size xx ass to "Single Ladies." My friend, Tim, and I were even incorporating country swing dancing into a Jay-Z song. I was rockin' it for a few songs. But then I somehow managed to flail my arms right into some sweating (okay, more like oozing) guy's head. Reality check. I swear, all it took was a little ooze on my arm to be like, "WTF are you doing, Jess?! That guy is four feet away from you! How could you have possibly hit him with your arm? Your dancing is out of control. Go home, NOW!" So I did.

PS-I suck at this whole diet thing. If I could only give up alcohol.... My intentions are to workout tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes. Today I promised myself a morning workout, but instead managed to convince myself I didn't need to because of my beast-like dance moves Saturday night.

Goodnight and God Bless,

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Ask and You Shall Receive

Word got out that our readers want us back. And rightfully so because we are probably the coolest Jess-and-Jacy combo you have ever met. In all seriousness though, I sincerely would like to apologize for the lack of blogs recently. Life kind of got in the way of our writings, but I promise I'll try to keep writing more frequently.

A few changes have happened at the J&J household. Let's play catch-up.

Jacy started hair school at the College of Hair design on September 8 and I quite frankly don't know how she does it. A)She gets up at the ass-crack of dawn every morning and actually beautifies her self to boot and B)She has to play with hair (ughhhhhh so grosss) every day.

On her first day of school, she quickly learned that the mannequin dolls she worked on had REAL human hair. How sadistic is that? I'm not an idiot, I know that they have to practice on human hair, but I kinda figured it would be on HUMANS. The thought of wigs really just freaks me out. Then to add even more nastiness to the whole idea, she decided to show me a picture of this:
Yes, this is what you think it is. Her entire classroom is lined with mannequin heads. It's like something out of the Wizard of Oz 2. Really, truly gives me the heebie jeebies.

But somehow, Jacy manages to love hair school. There's actually a light in her eye when she comes home after a long day. I think it's great that she has some sort of schedule again, too. You'll all have to get twitter and follower her (ibscoob) because she posts pictures of her updos and styles. It's going to be really fun to see her progress!

As for me and my life. Well, school and work have started back up again and I'm not liking the school part at all. I think I jinxed myself when I first said all my classes were easy. Right now, I'm holding a steady 85 percent across all my classes... awesome. I just love bad grades... I could really just use a break from it all though. I've been so busy that today's the first day I've been able to do laundry/dishes for well over two weeks. I have 7 loads of laundry to catch up on and while I was putting dishes in the dishwasher I came across mold everywhere.

I've also been slacking on the work-out part, too. But I have tried to eat healthier. So far, since starting this whole blog thing, I've dropped around 5-7 pounds (depending on how much water I've had when I step on the scale!) I really want to keep this going. I just bought a bridesmaid's dress for my friend, Heather's wedding and I really feel like it's a dress that I can adjust if I do lose some weight. And it was a little smaller size than I thought it'd be, so that's a plus!

Jacy keeps tossing around the idea of running and training for a 10K or half-marathon. I can't run to my car and back without dry heaving, so I may have to flush this idea down the toilet. But I think it may be cool to try. Anyone have any tips for half-marathon training?

Well, I've just about chatted your ear off, so I'm going to get back to laundry/scrubbing mold off my sink. Thank you all for being loyal readers!!
God Bless,

Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor Day

Wowza. Jacy and I really sucked it up this weekend with our eating habits. We were caught in a whirlwind of Granite City/Breugger's Bagels/Marcus Theater popcorn/Blue Bunny ice cream/Al-al-al-al-al-alcohol. Okay, on a side note though, you MUST try Blue Bunny's birthday cake ice cream sandwiches. They really aren't all too terrible for you and they are probably the best ice cream sandwich I have ever had. Think Cold Stone's cake batter ice cream. Yummm!

Not only were we eating like complete crap, but we weren't working out either. We had good intensions, believe me. We set our alarm early each morning this weekend but ended up snoozing right through the wake-up calls. It's Labor Day weekend, right? We deserve a break from the daily grind, right?

Yeah, I couldn't convince myself of that either, so I ended up getting up and going to the Y today for a swim. But seriously, I don't think I'm meant for exercise. I LOVE to swim. I take it easy, go at my own pace, and sure enough an hour has past in, what seems like, 20 minutes. Today I wasn't so fortunate. Labor Day is a terrible day for lap swimming - wanna know why? Because every man, woman, and child thinks it's a great day for going to the Y. Parents have the day off so they think to themselves, "Gee, we haven't worked out for months. Why don't we get started back up with exercising and go to the Y today? We can just drop our kids off at the pool and let the lifeguards babysit them while we get back on a workout regimine." Okay parents - WAKE UP CALL - working out ONE DAY every six months is not going to keep you fit. Good intentions, but no cigar my friends.

Needless to say, my swimming workout was cut short when some asshole let 12 little boys swim in his lane (the lane right next to mine). Don't get me wrong, I typically love swimming through tidal waves every lap, but today I just wasn't in the mood.

Thanks, asshole.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Day 5? 6? 7?... yikes!

Hello old friends. We meet again. I'm sorry it's been so long. I guess life kind of got in the way (of blogging and from dieting). Don't get me wrong, Jacy and I have been trying to eat as healthy as we possibly can. Portion control! But taking those dang pills has been kind of tough. And my mom is in town and who wants to diet when their mom is buying them free food?? Haha. Oh crap, now she wants to go buy me free jeans. I'm out. We'll talk later.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Day 4: Needing Some Encouragement!

I love food. I know what you're thinking, "Well duh, everyone loves food." This may be true, but I think I may love food more than you. Yeah, that's right, I'm challenging your love for food. Wanna make something of it? I love almost all food. Except salads. Convenient, right?

Okay, I'll get to the point. What I'm trying to say is that I really enjoy all food except for healthy food, therefore I make a terrible dieter. I get pissy when I can't have the food that I want. I'm a very laid back gal, but the one thing that can get me riled up is simply not having food that I want when I want it. I think I get this from my father. He can be the angriest person you will ever meet when he's hungry...and I am the same way.

I didn't have to work for the first time in a while today, so there was no workout for me - I slept in for the first time in a while. But even if I wanted to get up, I couldn't have. I felt like complete ballsack today (pardon the vulgarity...but you should be used to it by now). I literally sat around all day, and everytime I would try to get up I would get extrememly dizzy. I wanted something other than egg whites, turkey, and grapes so badly I can't even describe it. Then of course came the call from Jessica that you read about in the previous post. To defend myself, she sounded a lot bitchier to me than she made it sound! Or so I thought... I thought we were supposed to be acting mad at each other! But after I yelled at her and hung up, she simply sent a nice text in response...which really startled me. If I were her, I would have given me a big rip-out session. To be fair though, she was rather naggy when she got home, and I just was not in the mood. Like I said, I was hungry and felt awful.

We discussed not only losing weight, but our health on our way over to the YMCA. This diet has been restricting our carbs, fat, sugar, and calories. Okay, I know these are all bad things, but aren't they also what you get your energy from? And when you're burning 1,500 calories a day on exercise, don't you need to replenish your energy storage a little?

I think you know where I'm going with this. We cracked. But cracking tastes so dang good. Taco John's and Oreos may have made me feel like Fatty McFatson, but it was worth it.

We'll get back on the bandwagon tomorrow, only not be starving ourself too much. We're actually waking up in 5 hours to go take a kickboxing class and continue the medicine.

Also, for the record, I made it with total "control" all the way to Grand Island and back yesterday. Also, I have been seeing numbers on the scale that are lower than they have been for a long time. Except for tonight...but I'm sure it's just the Taco John's still in my body. I'm really not too concerned though - the "cleanse" tablets will have it out in no time!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Day Four: Oops...

Let's just say Jacy and I had a little breakdown in our QuickTrim quest. We both started the day great... each eating, like, 80 calories all day. Anorexia? Probably. That's what we thought, too, so we decided to stop our eating disorder before it even started...and did what any natural human being might do when they're hungry... we ATE. And we ate well. I'ma talkin' 'bout some good ol' Tex Mex food courtesy of TACO JOHNS.

Earlier though, we really lost it. I'm talking lost it. Two hungry Schwager girls living under one roof was really scary. Okay, I don't think I'm that scary, but Jacy turns in to a fricking monster. Like ahhhhbugabugabugaahhhh scary. I called her on my way home from work today to see if I could just swing by the apartment and pick her up so we could stop by the YMCA and get a membership. Here's how the conversation went:

Jacy: "Hello?"
Me: "Hey, I'm at 14th and Superior right now. Can I just swing by and pick you up, it's been a really long day and I'm about out of gas. I don't really feel like turning off my car and climbing the stairs."
Jacy: "I haven't even brushed my teeth yetttt."
Me: "What the heck have you been doing all day?"
Jacy: "AHHHH. Why are you always yelling at me? If you're too Goddamned lazy to climb up the stairs then why the fuck are you getting a pass to the YMCA?"

The bitch hung up on me! What the hell? I was just trying to prove the point that since she's done absolutely nothing and I mean nothing today. She didn't even brush her teeth! But noooo. I'm an asshole for asking her to meet me downstairs.

Things between us didn't get much better until two burritos, two orders of potato oles, and an order of sopapillos later.

Lesson learned on Day Four: We can't possibly starve ourselves and get along under one roof.

New plan - continue to take QuickTrim, but eat a little more than 80 calories per day.

Soon you'll probably be getting Jacy's version of the story. Don't believe it. She's probably hungry again and is most likely going to be a monster in this blog as well.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Day Three: Weird Night

Up and at 'em after a really weird night's sleep. Jacy and I took four nighttime pills before bed and I think they might have caffeine in them because I was up for hours watching the ceiling. I should have known the night was going to be weird, considering how it started...

Jacy and I have been sleeping together so we actually wake each other up in the morning. If I'm not getting up, she'll push me out of bed and vice versa. Well, last night our bodies were completely exhausted after working out twice. As soon as she hit the sheets she kind of curled up next to me and I was just thinking, "what the f*ck is she doing?" I'm not much for snuggling, so I didn't move. Then I hear this "mmmm" come out of her mouth and I was really like, "WTF!!" And she started giggling and was like, "Wow, that was a really sexual sound." That it was. She claimed that her body was so relaxed it just let out a weird "mmmm" sound. I was completely grossed out nevertheless.

I swear these pills have some sort of giggling agent in them, too. All I do is giggle. I can't stop. I'll think if something remotely funny and lose it with laughter!

Okay, wow, it's 8 and I NEED to get ready for class. Long day ahead. Already ate some egg whites and tomatoes for breakfast, but not quite sure when/if I'll have time to eat again today. Wish me luck!!

PS-Thanks for all of the support everyone is giving us! We love the text messages and twitter messages - keeps us motivated!!!

God Bless,

Monday, August 31, 2009

Day 2: O...M...G...!

If you haven't read Jessica's post yet, you should. Just so you can be prepared for what I'm about to say.

Remember the last sentence of my previous post where I mentioned keeping my fingers crossed that I don't shit my brains out? Well, I'm going to say this in the classiest way possible: Crossing my fingers didn't work.

We woke up this morning at 8 A.M., took our pills, and then went to work out. I put in a hard 30 minutes on the elliptical, and by the time I was done had to focus as hard as I could on not throwing up. I felt disgusting. My tummy hurt and I felt as though I could puke. We got back to the apartment, ate a bland breakfast of eggwhites and oatmeal once again. I hopped in the shower and started getting ready for work. Jessica and I both got stuck in our separate bathrooms and were only able to communicate through texting about what we were both going through. Let's just say that I ended up running late for work...

I'm currently dreading tomorrow morning. I have to be drive on the interstate for an hour tomorrow morning and have a dermatologist appointment at the nearly the same time that the "side effects" took place. God be with me on my drive. I'm hoping that everything escaped my system today...

Day Two: Honesty

I swear I don't normally blog this much. In fact, I'm only trying to avoid doing homework. However, I thought I should share a little honesty with you about QuickTrim.

If you know Jacy and I at all, you know we're pretty...well...open people. Probably just short of borderline vulgar. I typically wouldn't touch upon this subject as girls are supposed to be "lady-like." However, after spending two years traveling with the men's gymnastics team, their vulgarness was bound to rub off on me.

When creating this blog, Jacy and I wanted to be as open and honest as possible when discussing the QuickTrim pill for several reasons. A) It hasn't been FDA approved yet, so if we died while taking it, you would all know it was because of the eight pills we take a day. B) It just came out on the market, so there isn't a lot of information about it. And C) The only information about QT comes from Kim Kardashian, a celebrity spokesperson. And we all know how "honest" celebrity spokespersons are.

Now onward with my honesty. If you're going to consider taking QT, I think you need to know one thing and one thing only: Scout out the closest bathrooms. You are supposed to drink 93 ounces of water in one day. Literally I've peed every half-hour since my first liter of water. UGGGHH.

Also, QT is a detoxifying diet. It removes alllll toxins from your body. So, I'm just saying, be pre-fricking-pared. I would avoid airplanes and all public transportation. If you're a student, sit close to the nearest exit in the back of the classroom and wear running shoes.

It's only the beginning of Day Two, so I'm sure Jacy and I will have more honesty to share as the day goes on.

Day Two: Awkward Gym Moment

Jacy and I went to the workout room this morning hoping to bust our asses on the treadmill and elliptical, but sadly another girl was already on the treadmill. Naturally, Jacy takes the elliptical and forces me to take the really shitty bike machine. So we're both working out hard and all of a sudden we both get a wiff of something stinky in the air. We both kind of look at each other like, "dudeee...is that you?!" Nope - sure wasn't either of us. Then the girl on the treadmill up and leaves, crop dusting the entire workout room as she goes.

Who in the hell lets go of stinky, nasty farts when there are only two other people in the workout room? Process of elimination, my friend. Next time, I hope she goes out in the hallway or something.

Day One by Jacy!

Hey ya'll! It's the other Schwager sister, Jacy, giving this whole blogging thing my own shot. I would just like to tell everyone not to judge my writing style when it's right next to Jessica's. We must all remember that she is an English major and is bound to write better than I do! Okay, with that stated, I can now spend time filling you all in on my side of the new QuickTrim Diet we've started!

I read Jessica's post and I know that she filled everyone in a bit on why she has chosen to go on this diet, so I feel as though I should do the same. I'm going to be honest: I currently am 5'8" tall and weigh 150 lbs, which by the standards of the BMI index is actually healthy weight. But if you were to look at a scale that I was standing on 5 months ago you would see a reading of 135 lbs. That's right ladies and gents: I've gained 15 pounds in 5 months. Actually, that's a lie. I gained it in 3. Between March and June I somehow managed to gain 15 pounds and have gained a whole 20 lbs. since I graduated. I blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol (ha), and the fact that I never work out and basically stopped caring about myself. I participated in volleyball, basketball, and ran mid-distance in track in high school and also OBSESSED about my weight. I'll be honest when I say that I had a pretty dang hot bod in high school, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. To me, it was never good enough. This belief lead me to partake in some very unhealthy habits - some of which verged on "disorders" at times. I guess I'm speaking for myself and Jessica when I say that I know for a fact that we have always been very self-conscious about our bodies. Now, I know that it's good that I am no longer partaking in "disorderly" ways of losing weight, but I think it's about time we both start to take pride in what we look like!

Jessica was going to start this on her own and go through the 14 days, and if it worked, I was then going to do it. But we know that we have a very difficult time sticking to diets, so we thought if we both did it at the same time we would have better success.

We had our "last supper" last night at IHOP at 1 in the morning. BAD idea. We didn't get to bed until 2:30 and due to work today, we only managed to get 6 hours of sleep before having to get up again and work out. Although we may have woken up feeling like big squishy piles of poop from the greasy IHOP, the point is that we actually woke up! I didn't have time to work out for the full hour at once like she did due to the fact that I had to get ready for work, but I still put in a good 45 minutes of running on the treadmill and stationary biking, while she worked her bumoley off on the elliptical and treadmill for a whole hour. As she stated, after we worked out, our pills had kicked in and we were WIRED by ten in the morning. After a bland breakfast, I got ready for work, ate a bland lunch, and then headed off to get my butt kicked by a 9 hour shift at the Olive Garden. I got to work and seriously could feel the QuickTrim working. My body temperature heated up and I just sweated consistently. Then I also realized that I was slaving over steaming gallons of soup, and considered that might have had something to do with it as well.

I barely got a 15 minute break between work shifts, so I hustled over to the mall and stopped by Subway and asked for a chicken breast. Yep, just one chicken boob was all I wanted. After negotiating past two completely befuddled employees, Subway managed to provide me with a chicken breast and some green peppers...all for the low cost of $0.54. No joke. And it was a dang good chicken breast too (and I took it with 2 more QT pills). The funny part about this all is that I expected it to cost more and ended up purchasing a $0.54 chicken breast with my debit card. My bank's going to think I'm a nutter. Woops.

Okay, I'm getting windy. I'll try to make this quick. The two more pills jacked me up and helped me make it through another 4 1/2 hours of serving countless Neverending Pasta Bowls. I made it home, ate some turkey breast and grapes, got geared up, and went back down to the fitness center to put in another hard half hour of sweat.

For once in my life, I feel determined to actually complete this goal. I'm one of those people who never actually sets goals for fear of not reaching them. That's why we want it to share it with people. YOU hold us accountable for achieving this. And hopefully, we can do our part in helping to make somebody else who reads this realize it's possible to achieve theirs as well. That may sound Corny Collins, but it's super true. :)

Now, I'm off to take my four nightime "cleanse" tablets. Pardon my French, but I'm crossing my fingers that they don't make me shit my brains out.

Stay tuned!

Jacy Louise

P.S. The picture is one taken from November of 2007 and then one taken from July of 2009. I'm using the cowgirl one as motivation. :)

Day One: Part II

Jess here again. Day one is almost through and I feel like I've done a great job so far! I worked out for an hour this morning and have eaten the four little meals as "prescribed." Also, I got up the motivation to buy some running shoes that actually fit my feet for once. (The Running Company in downtown Lincoln) I think the shoes will really help me want to exercise. I know that sounds really silly, but I have such terrible feet problems that exercising hurt my feet the most!

Today I also took my measurements and wrote down my starting weight. Even if I can lose 15 pounds on this QuickTrim it's nowhere close to where I want to be, but I keep thinking it's a start. I truly believe I can do this. Once upon a time I was skinnier - not skinny - but skinnier and I can get there again. Below is a picture of me right after I graduated high school. Mind you, I didn't really eat senior year of high school because I had a few self-esteem issues going on, but I still think I can lose weight without my own mental games!

Any kind and encouraging words would be great as Jacy and I continue on to day two of this journey.

God Bless!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Day One

Hey everyone! Welcome to the blogspot of Jess and Jacy's 14-Day QuickTrim Diet Plan.

A little about QT....
QuickTrim is a diet plan endorsed by Kim and Khloe Kardashian. It's basically a cleansing program designed for quick weight loss. During the 14-day plan, Jacy and I must take four AM pills (two in the morning, two in the afternoon) and four PM pills before bedtime. Then, the last few days of the diet, we'll start taking some water-weight pills to get rid of excess water. Also, we must work out two times a day for 30 minutes each (or once a day for an hour) and follow a strict eating plan. I guess Kim and Khloe have both had weightloss success - Khloe lost 15 pounds in 14 days and has managed to keep it off and look hot! :) (Watch Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami on Sunday nights on E! and you'll see.) And Kim, well, she's always hot!

Jacy and I really wanted to start this plan to give us the boost we need to loose weight. Perhaps if we dropped 15 pounds, we'd be more likely to keep on the diet. We wanted to create a blog (even if no one reads it) to hold ourselves accountable.

Today is our first day on the diet. We popped a couple of pills this morning and then went for a workout. I'll be honest, after taking the pills I felt like throwing up. Could have been the I-Hop we had at 1 a.m., but it could also be the pills. Also, after working out, we both felt like we were drunk. The pills have 200 mg of caffeine in them, so we were probably both a little buzzed.

We ate egg whites and oatmeal for breakfast - no lie, this will be a very, very bland diet plan. So beward if you're going to try the 14-day diet. Breakfast managed to fill me up okay though. We'll eat again in another hour or so... we're supposed to eat four times a day.

I swear our blogs will be more entertaining as the QuickTrim plan develops, but I just wanted to give everyone a brief overview of what the diet was really about.

CYB (Thanks Josh for this little saying - Count Your Blessings!) and wish us luck!!