Hail Damage

Would you like to hear about something that really gets me down? Something that diet and exercise alone will not take care of? Mother-effin-cellulite! I swear to God I am the only person in this world with massive amounts of cottage cheese ass.

I just wrapped up about an hour worth of Facebook stalking tonight. In that time, I came to realize that none of my Facebook friends or friends of their friends have cellulite. (Well, at least the ones who just posted recent pictures of themselves). They all have perfectly contoured thigh muscles underneath their shorty short shorts. It's complete BULLSHIT! You wanna know when I discovered my first dimple? I was in KINDERGARTEN. I mean, granted, I was a foot taller and 100 lbs heavier than any kid in my class, so I should have expected a few dimples on my ass here and there, but not when I was a kindergartener. It's insane. Oh, and you know what guys really don't find sexy? Yeah, they'd rather have their cottage cheese for supper. They don't want to see their girlfriend wearing it. (On a side note - why don't guys get cellulite? Cursed Eve for eating that Goddamned apple! ROAR!)

I've stuck to my weightloss plan religously for the past month and have seen awesome results - almost 12 lbs so far! But I think my cellulite has settled in on my thighs for life. Does anyone know how the hell to get rid of it? I tried Kim Kardashian's Nivea plan and it epically failed. I should have gathered it would considering she doesn't have any damn cellulite. If she did, she sure as hell wouldn't have been dating my future husband, Reggie Bush. Or perhaps that's why he dumped her? Hmmm. Interesting. Now I'm seeing a common theme here...the Kardashians are evil! They've made me spend money on cellulite creams and QuickTrip only to be disappointed. I will NEVER buy a thing from them again! Wait, have you seen their new self tanner though? Kourtney always has a fantastic glow. Maybe that'll be my next/last Kardashian purchase.

On another note, you know what else gets me down? Fake nails that haven't been filled or cut for well over a month. Yeah, I know, it's disgusting. Shoot me. I've painted them so you can't really tell where the fake ends and the real begins. I'm contemplating chewing them off, but I think that would get super messy. Welp, this is where my blog ends because my nails keep getting stuck between the keys of my laptop. C'est la vie!

Seriously though, if you know any get-rid-of-hail-damage-quick creams, please hit me up!