"S5 ut"

(Jacy posting!)

Jessica is hilarious.

A couple weeks ago Jessica and I headed over to my friend's apartment for some Jell-O shots and a good time. We started rather early in the night. By 10:00, I had decided to depart from the party for a little while with the intentions to return. I, however, ended up cozying up in a nice warm bed and falling asleep for the night.

The next morning when I finally woke up, I had multiple missed calls, texts, and voicemails. One of my personal favorite texts was from Jessica, sent around 11:30: "S5 ut". I wasn't 100% positive of what this meant, but my best guess was that she was meaning to type "Slut." With Jessica though, one can never be too sure. The mass amount of texts and missed calls were nothing in comparison to the voicemails she left though. I think I had around 7.

Voicemail #1 (Cameo by my friend, Drew): "Jacyyyy, you sluuuut, get your ass back over here!!! Drew came over and you're not even here! Wait, Drew wants to say something to you!" (Hands phone to Drew) "Jacy, what the hell? I came over to see you and you're not even here. I'm calling bullshit on this. Jacy? Jacy? Hello? (Pause) She f*cking hung up on me!"

Hilarious when you take into consideration that he was on my voicemail.

Voicemail #3: "You're a dirty whorebag hooker. I hate you. You left me here all alone with all your friends. Fortunately, I've had a shit ton of Jell-O shots. Get your ass back over here. I love you."

Voicemail #5: "Jacy. I'm going to f*cking kill you. You left me. I don't know what to do. I've had too much to drink to drive anywhere. So I came out to my car. It's really late. Where are you? I'm sure you're somewhere warm right now while I'm lying down in the backseat of my car. I'm going to sleep out here. It's very cold but I have no other option. Camping out in my car. I really hate you and will kill you. Bitch."

Voicemail #7: (Whispering) "It's like an igloo in here. I'm going to freeze to death."

Moral of the story? Don't leave Jessica unattended. She fortunately did manage to find a ride home at three in the morning. Thank God, because I truly do believe she would have slept in the car and killed me the next day. That is, if she would have lived through the night.