Thursday, October 14, 2010

Worth Sharing

I was just reading through my second-to-last blog to check for spelling/grammar errors because I always catch some about two weeks after I post. I am seriously world's worst person with an English degree. I rely heavily on Google for all of my spell-checking needs (I just spell-checked the word "grammar." It's that bad.) Ask me about literature and I'll tell you that I think Harry Potter is the best book ever written. I'd never recommend Jane Austen. Why in the hell would you read books that put you to sleep? I need wizardry and wands in my novels. See, WORLD'S WORST ENGLISH DEGREE PERSON.

But anyway, let me go back to why I was writing this entry - my blog from two blogs ago. The one where I mention Grey's Anatomy and the spider that flew out of the guy who looked like a tree.

For some reason, the mentioning of "tree" in my article brought me immediately back to the worst possible thing that could ever have happened to a fat girl (fat girl = me). It's a memory that I choose to repress. Actually, it's not so much that I repress the memory, it's more like I try to pretend the memory was a dream (or more like a nightmare). But it's not. And the mentioning of the man who looks like a tree made me remember this very, VERY vivid memory.
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Picture this: Jessica, age 8 or 9 or even 10. Fat. Really fat. Unsure of whether she was a boy or a girl. Short, dark hair. Probably permed because her mom liked to torture her with perm rods. Jessica was probably wearing overalls with a red shirt. She was a Husker fan. And also a fan of overalls. Oh, and Doc Martin's. She had to wear Doc Martins because she had old woman bunions. Get the picture? Jessica was fat, unfashionable, in man shoes and in no condition to do what she did.

But unfortunately Jessica thought she was a monkey. Jacy and Jessica spent a lot of their summer days playing in their "fort" at the end of their drive way. Their fort was magical and full of trees, but no trees were worth climbing because their limbs were so high off the ground. However, the tree right in front of Jessica and Jacy's home was perfect for tree climbing. Jacy somehow managed to hoist herself up into the tree with ease. Probably because she was small and gangly, not unlike a monkey. Although Jessica was about 100 lbs bigger than Jacy, she thought she was just as small and gangly as her younger sister. Kind of like how Saint Bernards think they're Chihuahuas when they live with a bunch of Chihuahuas.

Anyway, after watching Jacy climb the cottonwood tree with ease, Jessica was convinced she could do the same. She put her left leg in between two branches and pushed off her right foot to get into the tree. However, once she stood up (in the tree), she realized her left foot was stuck. Probably due to her bulky wide width shoes and bunions inside. "Oh, no big deal," she thought, "I'll just jiggle my foot a little bit and I'll be able to set my foot free." However, the jiggling made the situation WORSE. She was really stuck. Jessica began to cry and told her sister to get her mother to come out to help. While Jacy pushed on Jessica's foot, their mom pulled on Jessica to try to release her from the tree. Nothing seemed to work.

Jessica's not quite sure what happened next; however, she does know that her neighbors from down the road showed up with a chainsaw. Whether they coincidentally came to visit and just happened to bring their chainsaw along for the ride or whether Jessica's mom called the neighbors for help, Jessica doesn't know. Either way, she knew exactly how cats felt when the fire department was called to get them out.

The neighbors came over, chainsaw in tote, ready to CUT the poor, fat girl from the tree. Jessica, evaluated the pros and cons of keeping her leg. On one hand, if they chainsawed off her leg, she'd weigh at least 50 lbs less than what she did. On the other hand, she wasn't a huge fan of pirates. So, she begged the chainsaw neighbors to let her keep her leg. They chuckled at her and said that they'd cut off the limb of the tree before they took any of Jessica's limbs. "Fewww, that was a close one," Jessica shouted with joy, "I get to keep both of my thunder thighs!" (Which eventually proved useful for young Jessica, who would later adopt the cool nickname, Iron Horse, because of the power her thunder thighs provided. Squatting more than most high school boys could? I.H. could.)

Just as the lumberjacks began to start up their chainsaw, Jessica somehow pulled her foot out of her shoe to step safely down from the tree. Jessica saved both herself and the tree from getting chopped down! Jessica thanked the neighbors graciously for all of their help and then ran to her room to cry for hours. What did her neighbors think? They were surely going to tell the whole town how they almost had to cut a poor little piggy out of a tree.
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Yes, folks, I am the poor little piggy. Luckily they didn't tell many people about my prepubescent self. And no, folks, I've never tried climbing a tree since. Actually, later on in elementary school when I was forced to climb the monkey bars for P.E. Fun Day, I refused. I'm pretty sure my P.E. teacher thought it was because I was too fat for the monkey bars, but in reality, those monkey bars reminded me too much of trees.

Just thought I'd share this memory I pulled out from my brain's vault. You can laugh. I don't care. I know I was a chunky monkey. I've accepted it.


  1. My fatself got tortured (spelled correctly unlike the Google version) by a spider when I was six. Stood with bloated arm against tree, Mr. Daddylonglegs came crumbly down and walked all the way up my arm, to my chubby neck and then onto, but luckily not in, my gelatinous ear before I screamed bloody murder. Thankfully I didn't need a neighbor to come cut it out of my skull, but this reminded me of that. We all have those stories and it's good we can laugh at them now. Keep up the good writing.

  2. I remember that day quite vividly. The tree was a maple. Your foot was free because Mike put all of his weight on the branch to make the "V" where your foot was stuck wider. And you forgot to mention that you were dangling upside down holding on to the tree branch. I wanted to take pictures but Mom thought that would be mean.

  3. Thanks Gina for adding color to the story. Love the torture spelling. You did that on purpose I hope....

  4. LOL, y'all DID catch torcher. YEss, I meant to do that. Of course.

    Trickie, that story just made my inner ear itch (if that's possible). I have the heebiejeepies... garoosss!!!

    LOL, THAT's how it happened, Gina. To be honest, I couldn't quite remember how I got OUT of the tree. I remember there being a widening of something. Although I thought it was my shoe, it must have been the tree... Why the hell were you there? I don't remember you being there. I must have repressed you, too.