Sunday, June 20, 2010

Wax On/Wax Offouchh

Men, you probably don't want to read this. But ladies, you can probably relate if you've had a crazy HAIR of an idea. (I really hate puns, but I really can't help myself in this post.)

I'm no stranger to having things waxed/waxing myself. Ever since my friend, Mary, held me down in the seventh grade and forced my caterpillar eyebrows into miraculously coutured beauties, I've been waxing once every two weeks. But my eyebrows aren't the only things I've had waxed. Yes, oh yes, I decided to grin and BARE it. Reading Cosmo regularly is a terrible idea. Some bitch of an editor convinced me to book an appointment with some sadist at Center Stage Salon to make my "Britney" nice and smooth. The editor said that women feel so liberated with their girl feeling soft and silky. Um...liberated? Yeah, so that's why women's libbers didn't believe in shaving anything? But so it was and I went in and got myself waxed. I remember it hurting like hell, but I was also on a bunch of oxycontin from my wisdom teeth yankage, so why I decided to partake in my latest adventure, I have no idea.....

Since Jacy started hair school, she has become fascinated in waxing. Seriously fascinated. She wants to wax my eyebrows all the time. Then, after waxing my brows, she looks at the wax strips and all but counts how many stray hairs she pulled off. Sadistic? I think so. To feed her obsession, she recently bought her own wax pot to wax her brows/lip/chin/arms/armpits/everything. Well, two weeks ago, she thought she might try to wax something else. After only delicately applying one strip to her va-jay-jay by herself, she had to tenderly, millimeter-by-millimeter, pull off the wax. Because of the pain of just ONE strip, she stopped the process and currently bares only one square inch of bare skin down there. (So I've heard...I don't really care to know myself).

So, naturally hearing about her failure of a procedure, I decided to also use her wax pot to make myself silky smooth. All I was thinking about is how I've been waxed down there before, so I'm a pro. But I should have been thinking that after I was in f'n killer pain the first time when a PROFESSIONAL waxed me, I'd think twice about doing this to myself. I didn't.

Instead, I jumped right in and applied strip upon sticky strip to my lady parts. What goes on must come off, right? Welp, I put myself in one hell of a predicament. After pulling just one tiny strip off in a swift, band-aid motion, I fell to my knees in pain. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, it hurt soooo bad. I looked down and realized I had THREE more to go. Three big-ass strips to go. That's when I started sweating profusely. Then I remember Jacy's words ringing in my head, "My friend, X, said that when she did this the first time she had to have her friend help her because it hurt so bad. But then the hairs are loose the second time around, so then you can easily do it yourself." Knowing that I had no option of a friend helping me because the only friend around that wasn't busy was my own MOTHER, I pulled my skin tight, bit hard down on my tongue, and yanked the f*ckers off.

Worst. Pain. Ever. I was even bleeding. Now I'm bruised (literally). But I'll be honest, although the hurt was probably equivocal to how I think childbirth would feel, I think I would do it again. I really do feel nice down there. But to say I feel liberated? Yeah, that editor should be fired...


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  2. i officially know TOO MUCH about your & jacy's cooters. wow. hahahaha! good post though, i'm still dying...