Friday, November 18, 2011

Breaking Dawn: Part Shit

Disclaimer: If you have not read the four-part Twilight saga yet or have not seen Breaking Dawn: Part I, then you may want to avoid this blog because it may spoil the entire series for you. Oh, who am I kidding? You don’t really care about the plot. You just care about Taylor Lautner with his shirt off. I feel ya, sister.

I curse the day that Stephenie Meyer had a sex dream and I didn’t.

One night in 2003, Stephenie dreamt about a sparkly vampire and a human girl who was in love with him. The next day, she decided to write a shittier version of Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Why can’t I dream up such utter nonsense?

Two nights ago, I woke up from a dream that I thought would be a best seller. It involved me and Jacy getting captured by Bonnie and Clyde at the Holt County fair. Jacy, Bonnie, Clyde, and I traveled the countryside, raiding sorority houses, killing everyone, and stealing their flat screen TVs. I was in the middle of chasing after a Tri-Delt with my sword when I woke up.

That’s the most creative dream I’ve had in years. I shake my fist at you, Stephenie Meyer.

I resent Stephenie Meyer. She is the worst writer on the face of the earth, yet for some reason, teenagers, grown-ups, and even grandparents, have sunk their teeth (yes, the pun was intended) into the Twilight saga.

It took me a while to convince my snobbish self to read Stephenie’s books. I’m a huge J.K. Rowling fan and I felt like I was cheating on her and Harry Potter every time I even thought about picking up Twilight. I could just see Harry, Ron, and Hermoine’s precious little Gryffindor faces begging me to remain loyal to Dumbledore’s Army.

But all of my friends were reading Twilight, so I finally cast a “Mischief Managed” spell to Harry Potter for a while and put my pride aside to join in on the Twilight hype.

A few chapters in, I realized immediately that I had to stop comparing the Harry Potter series to the Twilight Saga. Trying to compare J.K. Rowling to Stephenie Meyer is like comparing Dom Perignon to Welch’s sparkling grape non-alcoholic champagne. The Dom is expensive, smooth, and effortless, while the Welch’s is affordable, but yet somehow still enjoyable in a 10-year-olds-celebrating-New-Year’s sort of way.

I, personally, like both champagne varieties.

My innate nature is to be drawn to shitty things, while still appreciating the finer things in life. Shoot, half of my life was spent growing up in a tin-roofed trailer house. I wear Jessica Simpson heels with my Producer’s Hybrid seed corn coat. I bring Keystone Light to parties, but still sip on Crown Royal in the comfort of my home. I need a little trash with a little class in my life.

I couldn’t seem put the Welch’s sparkling grape juice down. In fact, I read the entire Twilight series in about a week. Once I finished with the books, I started in on the movies. And again, I was not disappointed. I love Twilight the same way I love Human Centipede or My Bloody Valentine 3D. All three films are quite endearing. All poorly written, all made for struggling 20-something actors. All complete train wrecks. Yet, I continue to list them among my favorite movies.

So, naturally, my love for all things shitty convinced me to stand in line for six hours in the freezing cold to catch the Breaking Dawn: Part 1 premiere last night. Well, my love for all things shitty, as wellllllll as my love for Robert Pattinson. I swear, that dude looks identical to this guy I used to, erm, “hang” out with in college. Every time Bella and Edward lock lips, I’m taken back to my fairly innocent, yet semi-trashy college years. *sigh*

Robbie Pattinson aside, last night was a fantastic production of shitty. Summit Entertainment, the company that produces Twilight, showed four or five of its upcoming movies in the previews, which set the tone for the night. I mean seriously, how shitty does this movie look (Trailer link below)? I hope this movie premieres at midnight, too. I’ll be first (and only) in line!

When Breaking Dawn: Part 1 first began, it was pretty bland at first. Nothing too shitty to stir me up. Well, until Jacob turned into a wolf and then the entire wolf pack started talking in wolfy voices. It was like watching The Lion King, circa 1994. You know when Mufasa gets pissed at Simba for checking out the Elephant grave yard with Nala and he has this little “growl” in his voice when he talks. That’s how all the wolves were talking to each other. They had growls in their human voices. It was very Homeward Boundy and fantastical.

Actually, the entire movie seemed very childhood Disney for me. When I visited Disney World when I was four, Mom and Dad took me to this 3D showing of the inner workings of the human body. We strapped on these 3D goggles and soared through the human body like we were blood or snot or something (I say snot because we entered through the human nose….) You may be wondering how in the world I recall such a vivid memory. It was terrifying. That’s why.

Well, watching Bella transform into a vampire from the inside out was terrifying and torturous. We literally traveled through her veins as if we were vampire venom. And again, I loved every awesomely terrible minute.

And PAH-LEASE don’t even get me started on how useful Kristen Stewart is for when I want to indulge in shittiness. She is the epitome of shitty actresses. You know those celebs who you’re all like, “I’d TOTES be friends with them in real life even though they’re kind of weird and awkward.” (Jesse Eisenberg, the whole cast of Juno). She’s one of them. I feel like we’d sit around brooding about our Chuck Taylor's.

So you want my personal take on Breaking Dawn: Part I? You should probably put down the fancy champagne for a second and go see it right now. All shittiness aside, it really is an entertaining film. Believe me, I’ll be waiting in line next summer for the midnight premiere of Breaking Dawn: Part II.

Oh, hey, and, if you get a chance, you should read this article written by Omaha World Herald columnist Rainbow Rowell:

She, too, is intrigued by the Twilight Saga, but for different reasons than myself. Every reason for liking Twilight is the right reason. Just let go and give in to pure, awesome, unabridged shit.

1 comment:

  1. hahahahaha the human body experience ride is called "Body Wars" and I know this because I TOO was scarred by that ride!