Really? Baby Titties?

There are some really sick people in this world. Case in point: The fact that our most popular blog post on jessandjacy.blogspot.com thus far has been "Baby Titties." Hey folks, I can SEE where people are viewing our blog from. Okay, I can't really see if you're accessing our blog naked from your living room computer while you sip white wine. But I can see what town your house is located in. (See the tracker to the right of this screen...scroll down a little. See it? Yeah, that's it.) I can also see how you stumbled upon our blog. For instance, I can see that "Baby Titties" has acquired 114 page views THIS YEAR, with most of the views coming from someone typing in "Baby Titties" on Google.

So here's what I want to know - are people look for the titties of a baby? Or surfing for girls with tiny breasts? Or were they really just looking for our blog, which, in fact, has nothing to do with the latter or the former. In fact, our blog had to do with baby kitties. Cats. Meow.

Really, I'm posting this blog more as a test. Hey, you out there! Yes, you. The one searching for baby titties. What are YOU really searching for? Pray, do tell. I'm quite curious.

In other, non-related news....

1) I met Aiden from Sex and the City (John Corbett) the other night at a tiny bar in Shawnee, Oklahoma. He's pretty tasty. Can you believe he's 49-years-old? Why is it that guys age so much better than women? That's a whole other blog topic. I won't go there. But feel free to gawk at this silver fox....

2) Jacy is kind of a jerk. We ordered pizza yesterday and the jackwagon dropped me off to pay for the pizza and never came back. I skipped out of The Hideaway, pizza in tote, only to find I had no ride. I also left my cell phone in her car. I wandered around the street aimlessly. Just as I started to wimper, I found her parked in a lot a half a block away. She was just playing around on her phone, unconcerned that I could have been murdered. Some people's kids...

3) I got my new Oklahoma driver's license and license plates, which leads me to believe that I can now drive like an Oklahoman (an utterly negligent, cell-phone gawking, inconsiderate, road-raging, no-blinker-using driver). No offense to my fellow Oklahomans, but y'all can't drive. I thought it was bad when they got 5 inches of snow, but it's really just bad all the way around. On my way home a couple of weeks ago, I counted 12 DIFFERENT CARS that didn't use their blinkers. TWELVE! In THREE MILES. Unacceptable. Yesterday, I literally shook my freaking fist at a car. Jacy witnessed. Who even shakes a fist anymore? It was the only gesture I could think of at the time... I felt it showed more heart and anger than just giving that ridiculous, good-for-nothing driver "the bird."

And on that note, I'm going to bed. Actually, I'm not going to bed at all. I thought it was a brilliant idea to order a grande skinny vanilla latte at 6:30 tonight. I'm going to be up a while. But I have a jolly good book to read - Water For Elephants. Read it. I can't put it down. Goodnight lovessss!

Medifast

Well, it's about that time. Yes, I'm annoucing my latest "fad" in dieting. First it was QuickTrim, then it was working out like a crazy person and now (drumroll please) it's Medifast. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to work out like a crazy person, but I think I need to be a bit more consistent on the whole not eating like shit part of the plan.

I took my last bites of human food last night with a 3 a.m. McDonald's run. Five hours later, I woke up and took my first bites of baby poop (i.e. Medifast's maple and brown sugar oatmeal). They don't call it Medi-FAST for nothing. A bowl of oatmeal here, a weightloss shake there - ayiyiyiiiiii - I'm going to need a lot of strength to get me through this one. Basically, the plan is to eat six times a day. I'll eat five "meals" that Medifast supplies to me and then I eat one Lean and Green meal that I prepare on my own. Today, I prepared chicken on my George Foreman and then ate a few cups of salad with low-fat dressing.

Do you know how hard it is to diet when someone else in the house is eating real food? At noon, Jacy knocked down some Mac and Cheese, at 4 p.m., she inhaled some sushi, and at the movies tonight she ate an entire box of milk duds. I have to confess, I did eat some edamame at the sushi joint, but I didn't think that was TOO bad considering the dreadful circumstances.

I've hit a plateau that I just can't seem to shake, so I'm going to try this crap for a couple of weeks and see how I do. I'll be sure keep y'all updated. Honestly, my posts could get reallllll interesting the next two weeks. Have you ever seen a Schwager deprived of food?? We're like rabid dogs. I'm sure I'll do something completely insane that I'll have to blog about. Stay tuned.....

Sweaty Betty

Friends, as of 7:55 this morning, I have officially lost 25 pounds since moving away from Nebraska. Not a HUGE number, but it's a 25 pounds less than I was last year at this time. And damnit, it is staying off come hell or high water. Seriously though, Jacy and I polished off three boxes of Girl Scout cookies last weekend and I didn't gain an ounce. It's gone for good.

I had a goal in mind when I started (which I'm about 40 pounds away from), but really it's just become a great journey for me. I've realized the importance of a healthy lifestyle instead of just focusing on a number. Sure, I get off track every once in a while, but I'm not secretly binging on fast food in my car. The biggest, most helpful thing to ask myself everytime I shove something in my mouth is, "Would I eat this in front of Ryan Lochte/Josh Hartnett/Jillian Michaels/Bob Harper?" If the answer is "Aw, hell no," then generally I put it down. Sometimes when I'm out to eat with friends I'll still indulge, but I'm not eating an entire plate of shit food. Instead, I'm just having a few bites of shit food and then I'll go back to my regularly scheduled program.

I'm also not being a giant lump of lard who never works out. You know those people who NEVER work out and still remain thin as a rail? (ahem, my BF Maggie...jerk). Yeah, well I'm not one of those people. The gym is my frienemy. But recently the gym has become my bestest friend in the whole wide world....thanks to one delectable gentleman.

Folks, I have this humungo, gigantuano crush on a boy at my gym. (Yes, after contracting Bieber Fever, I now call grown men "boys" and have begun using the word, "crush," to define my feelings for boys.) But really, a "crush" is the only way to describe it.

You know how when you were in ninth grade and you had a "crush" on the hot senior who dated the hottest girl in school? Yeah, that's what's happening here. I feel very Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles. Every time I go to the gym, I find find myself pouding it out twice as hard on the dreadmill just to show him how much of a beast I am. Fortunately for me, he somehow always manages to park his cute behind on the treadmill right beside me. Unfortunately for him, I kick his ASS every time. He runs 6 mph, I bump it to 8. He's at 6 percent incline, I put mine at 12. I kick ass so hard that I almost feel like roaring after my workout. Sadly there is one major downfall to my beast-dom....

I am the sweatiest mo' fo' on the planet.

Dude, I don't even drink my recommended 8-10 glasses of water every day and I still manage to ooze. I swear to you, if you put a 5-gallon bucket by my dreadmill, it'd be at least half full by the time I'm done.

Can you see my dilemma here? How disgusting must I look after my workouts? I try to wear colors like black or navy blue while I work out, but it's tough to hide my hair from looking like I just stepped out of the shower.

I'll be honest with you, this guy isn't even out of my league. I'd probably have a shot with this guy in a bar setting. But how the hell can he find me the least bit attractive when I look like I just ran 10 miles with a two-ton hippo riding me piggy back? It's impossible. Jacy keeps saying, "Ohhh, just make eye contact with him and then give him a smile." Yeah, Jace, I totally would if sweat didn't run down past my eyebrows and block my contacts so bad. Who doesn't love a chick who looks like she just got done seizing/sobbing uncontrollably/fighting off pink eye?

But in all honestly, I'm hoping he'll look past my sweatiness and see my inner badass. I mean, what other girl does 100 squats with 25 lb dumbells in each hand? And really, in the end, this whole "being healthy" business is about ME, not some cute guy with big arms and a nice tan.

But damn, watching him in the gym sure helps me on my journey.

Bieber Fever

I would give my left foot to be a teenage girl right about now.

All-in-all, I really hate this techy generation. (Ha! Like I should talk. I graduated from high school 5 1/2 years go.) But they have one thing that I am completely envious of......

JUSTIN BIEBER <3
*(Yes, I just put a heart after his name. He makes me swoon. It's the Fever.)

I was first introduced to Justin Bieber about a year ago on Chelsea Lately. I had heard his songs on the radio prior to his interview with Chelsea Handler, but honestly wasn't a huge fan. To me, he sounded like any other wannabe pop singer. And believe me, we already had too many wannabe pop singers roaming around. It wasn't until I witnessed his dazzling personality on E! that I fell in love with a boy half my age. He smiled, I smiled. And it wasn't just me either. I could tell Chelsea Handler had an adorable little crush on the adorable little boy as well. At that moment, I started paying attention to the prepubescent, shaggy blonde-haired boy and got giddy everytime "One Time" played on the radio.

A couple of months ago, I saw a commercial for Justin Bieber's movie, "Never Say Never," and made a vow to see the flick as soon as it came out. This was very unlike me. I HATE when young stars create anything autobiographical. I was a faithful Miley Cyrus fan until she came out with her book, "Miles To Go." And Lauren Conrad? Yup, she flew off my radar when she semi-wrote "L.A. Candy." But there was something so endearing about Justin Bieber. He never asked for the attention. He was an innocent bystander in his rise to the top. I didn't know much about him, so I was anxious to learn more in his documentary.

I was delighted when my friend, Kylie, texted me to see if I wanted to go to his movie with her last night.

I believe I replied with an eye roll and an, "UM, DUHHHHH."*
*(The Fever also has me using teenage lingo. One of the many side effects.)

Yesterday morning, I honored my vow by purchasing two tickets to "Never Say Never" on its opening night. About an hour after my glorious purchase, I heard one of my coworkers say, "What am I doing tonight? Well, I have to drop my three daughters (all under the age of 13) off at the theater to see that Justin Bieber movie...hahaha, yeahhh, we had to order tickets last night....the lines are supposed to be huge....all of my daughters' friends are going....oh yeah, they call it Bieber Fever."

I wasn't about to let a bunch of raging teenage girls scare me. Aw, heck no! I was going to this movie. And I had Cougartown and Demi Moore to thank. Persistence is key in stalking young prey. After all, Demi Moore beat out lots of younger women to become Ashton Kutcher's wifey. I will NEVER SAY NEVER.

So Kylie, Kylie's mom (Sheila), and I punched our tickets to the movie. It was the best decision of our lives.

The movie was amazing. I really have no words. The Biebs is freaking talented. He really isn't some wannabe pop star. He has real talent. The kid taught himself how to sing, dance, drum and play guitar. Not to mention he is charming and has the best smile (and hair) in the whole world. And he doesn't have looney toon parents like teen starts before him (think Lindsay Lohan's parents or Jessica Simpson's dad). He is the complete package.

As I was sitting in the theater last night, clapping along to the songs in his concert, watching all of the little girls get out of their seat and dance, I realized how utterly jealous I was of all of them. They could outwardly stalk Justin Bieber and not get arrested. They could weep when they saw him on screen and wouldn't get weird looks from adult strangers. I was born in the wrong era.

The only band I could worship was 'N SYNC and they didn't last long. Wellll, Justin Timberlake did A-OK for himself, but I was a JC Chasez fan. (And if you were a JC fan, you were NOT a Justin fan and vice versa.) I even wrote JC a letter once expressing how much it would mean to me if he came to my sister's wedding and performed. Did I hear anything back? NOPE. Justin Bieber would never leave his fans hanging. EVER. He loves his fans.

Other than 'N SYNC, I had weird, WEIRD taste in music. I loved Bette Midler, Cher, Semisonic, Sugar Ray and the Spice Girls (my musical taste was not unlike young, gay boys at the time). As for hot young boys to fantasize about? I did have the beautiful and talented JOSH HARTNETT. I plastered my closet door in his pictures. I wept when he died at the end of Pearl Harbor. I wrote him fan letters. I attempted to stalk him on an FCCLA trip to Minneapolis. No luck. Today's teenage girls have Twitter and Facebook to track Justin Bieber's location. I had NOTHING.

Let me reiterate my first statement...I would give my left foot to be a teenage girl right about now. Seriously, go see "Never Say Never" and you will understand why. Justin Bieber is a phenomenon and he's not going anywhere for a very long while. So I say you should just accept him into your lives and get down with the Bieber Fever. (Best illness I've ever had.)

Bless Your Heart

Welp, folkies, it's official...I AM A SOUTHERN GIRL! I moved to Stormin' Norman, Oklahoma, last weekend and have completed my first week of work for the University of Oklahoma. I don't mean to gush, but I absolutely love it here.

Back in the day, when I had been looking at OU as my future college, I remember someone telling me that I wouldn't like it here because of the "tarantulas the size of Volvos that roamed the highways." I am happy to report that I have yet to see a tarantula. Well, except for ones I just now saw when I Googled the word "tarantula" to figure out how to spell the word, "tarantula." Yikes. The first words to appear in my my Google box were "Tarantulas in Oklahoma." Naturally, it took me to a Wikipedia page describing and showing the many brown tarantualas in Oklahoma (luckily, brown Oklahoman turantulas are the best kind to have as pets...good to know...). Shit, now my ears are ringing all weird and itchy. Oh, and I also have major goosebumps because I'm thoroughly convinced that there is one crawling on the wall behind me. Should I look?...........Okay, I just looked and, again, I have yet to report a sighting.

One thing I have been dying to see is the species best known as the "Rednecks." I was lucky and got my Redneck experience out of the way early when I went to pick up my Cox digital cable router this afternoon. Two steps into the place and I felt like I was time-warped to 1987 when mullets were a hit (or was it 1972 when Grandma Glasses were in style? Orrrr it definitely could have been 1960s England when not brushing one's teeth was a fad). Any way I look at it, I was warped into the time of Redneck. And it was awesome. Thick Southern drawls, flannel, buck teeth, greasy hair, plastic glasses and a delightful Cougar with teal eyeliner. I certainly picked the right day to get my router.

I don't mean to judge or even be mean because, well, I am pure trailor trash. Ummmm....Hello Pot? This is Kettle. I'm calling you black. But I can tell you that none of my posse (i.e. family members) ever had a mullet as awesome as the guy's in front of me. But perhaps my favorite Redneck was the lady who came in a few minutes after I stepped in line. She had on tight leggings, an even tighter black Goodwill t-shirt and ol' school Nike tennis. Her hair barely avoided the ceiling and I really couldn't tell where her eyes ended and her eyeliner began. I pegged her for a Cougar the moment I laid eyes on her. I then confirmed it when she spoke to me.

"See that kid behind the counter? Isn't he just a dolllllll? God bless his little heart. I love his beard. Don't you love his beard."

Uh, yeah, lady. I love his peach fuzz. He's freaking 12.

Speaking of 12-year-olds (and this may sound creepy), I LOVE going to Walmart/Target because of all of the little Southern boys and girls. Have you HEARD a Southern child with a Southern accent? BLESS THEIR FREAKING HEARTS. I could adopt 10 of them. Seriously though, it is my quest now to find a husband with the thickest Southern drawl I've ever heard so he can make sure our kids have at least 3/4ths of his accent. Some kid in Target tonight kept shouting "Poo-poo face butt, poo-poo face butt," but the sing-songy drawl in which he was enunciating his words with made the phrase sound like butter.

I could get used to this Southern lifestyle. Rednecks, Southern children and fuzzy spiders. My kind of living.

Until Next Week

Sorry folks, no Bachelor blog this week. Chris Harrison: 1, Jessica 0.

However, I have two brief comment.

1) I love this season already. No BS! Brad took note of the drama happening in the house and eliminated it immediately.

2) Um...how horrible was the makeout session between Brad and that girl at the carnival? Wow. Suckfest. It made me uncomfortable. She tried to eat off his lips.

Anywho...I have lots to do today and blogging isn't on the top of my list. Peace.

The Bachelor: Season 616

That's right folks! After months of anxiously waiting, The Bachelor has made its return to ABC with none other than Brad Womack at the helm...AGAIN.

I'm an avid Bachelor lover. I watched the first few seasons, but unfortunately steered away in high school because my Monday nights were far better spent being lame. Luckily, I stopped being a piece of trash and tuned back in around the time Brad Womack ditched DeAnna Pappas and decided to fly solo.

Missed the past 615 seasons of The Bachelor? Let me catch you up!

So here's the scoop on the recent seasons I've seen (hold on tight): After DeAnna was torn up about the Brad thing, she decided to become the Bachelorette. I was enthusiastic about DeAnna. She was cute and seemed sensible and stable. But then she pulled one over my eyes when she duped Jason for a snowboarder guy named Jesse. But snowboarder guy didn't work out and then she ended up marrying a hot twin from another season.

I was just going to turn ABC off on Monday nights after being so disappointed in DeAnna, but then I got sucked in by hot Jason and his adorable son, Ty. Jason went on to pick my favorite gal, Melissa (yayyy!), only to break Melissa's heart in the "After the Final Rose" segment and re-pick ol' whatserface with the bad eye makeup (Molly). But everything turned out okay because America got to watch Melissa shake her groove thing on Dancing With the Stars.

Back to the Bachelor. So the third-girl out, Jillian (in Jason's season) had her own Bachelorette where she chose that Ed guy over many charming guys, including a hot pilot from Dallas named Jake. Jake was sad and had a dramatic cry over a hotel balcony. ABC decided to make him the next Bachelor because, honestly, that scene with him and the balcony surely drew more viewers. Jake's season really sucked. Like ABC probably should have discontinued the show. Jake had a whole slough of girls to choose from and he picked a gold-digging ho-bag over a bunch of really nice girls, including one Ali Fedowsky (okay, technically this isn't true because Ali actually quit Jake's season to continue to pursue her career in marketing). Ali was cute and blonde, and also very sad that she chose a career over love, so she naturally became the next Bachelorette (last season).

Ali chose hot Latin baseball player Roberto and they're still together. ABC wanted to get runner-up Chris Lambton on this season's edition, but unfortunately, Chris decided against doing The Bachelor because he was REALLY freaked out by the publicity (and more notably, the fan mail that crazy chicks were sending him).

So, ABC ran out of options and approached two-timer Brad Womack as this season's Bachelor. He's really quite gorgeous though, so I'm okay with it. Oh, and did I mention his cute Austin drawl? I'm a sucker for Southern accents.

Tonight was the first episode of the season and I'm surprisingly okay with how everything turned out. Not too many weirdos. There was one perfectly normal gal who liked to wear vampire fangs at night (Madison). She was cute - minus the True Blood fetish. Brad really surprised me with his decision to give her a rose, but I guess he found her really sexy and "cool." I'm scared to death of real life vampires and, in the off shot she REALLY was one, I would have kicked her to the curb. Unless she looked like Robert Pattinson. Ooo or that Cam Gigadet guy. HOT.

I really liked a girl named Emily. She lost her husband in a plane accident in 2004. A week after burying the poor fellow, she discovered she was preggers with his baby. DRAMA! GASP! Um, hello Lifetime movie! She deserves a second shot at love for sure. And she got it this week with a dazzling rose.

Other than Emily, I haven't really formed many opinions of the other girls. Give me another week. I do know that Brad is optimistic about love though. He even had his psychologist testify on national TV how he is no longer scared of commitment (Um...doesn't that go against some sort of HIPPA law? Who knows.)

My predictions, you ask? Well, I watched the previews and am fairly certain Brad gets ditched in the end. Or one of the girls gets eaten by a lion in Africa. Either way I saw a lot of tears coming out of Brad's eyes. I'm also fairly certain Seal is going sing "Kiss From a Rose" live for one of the one-on-one dates. Ooo, okay, here is my official final prediction: The girl that Brad's in love with decides to run away with Seal. Then Heidi Klum will naturally become our next Bachelorette.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the first episode of The Bachelor: Season 15. Shoot me your thoughts!

Flashback to last season when Jacy and I decided to do our rendition of Ali vs. Kasey. Click Here.