The Box Stuffers

Let's be honest here. I'm not the most athletic person in the world. I'm also not the most unathletic, but outside of volleyball and basketball I really suck ass at sports. Sometimes I can play slowpitch softball, but that's a rarity. Naturally, in my fifth year of college (when my bones are brittle from old age) I decided to partake in a sport that I had never even heard of before.

It is called broomball.

And it is very dangerous for assholes like me who think I can walk and chew gum at the same time. It's basically like hockey only with smaller sticks and tennis shoes instead of skates. Sadly, I think I'd be more coordinated at hockey.

I tried broomball for the first time last night... and it was a complete disaster. You know that part in Bambi when Bambi is first born and he really can't get his footing under him? Yeah, that's me the entire time I try to walk on the ice. Yesterday I got a little cocky when I first started out and tried jogging on the ice. Bad decision. Next thing I knew I'm laying ass down on the ice with a throbbing elbow. After peeling myself up off the ice, I tried taking it a little easier when I "ran" down the rink. But then I just looked like a bloody fool prancing around like that.

Again, I tried to pick up the pace a little bit and I was doing pretty well mind you, but out of nowhere some asshole from the other team lost his footing and came barreling toward me. That time I nearly saw stars as my knee bashed into the ice. OUCHHHH. Our team (The Box Stuffers) tied last night's unofficial match 1-1. And while my team worked on game plans for today, I was just out purchasing some elbow pads and knee pads to ensure I didn't break any bones tonight.

Tonight's match went a little better. Despite having a knee swollen up twice as much as it should be, a still-throbbing elbow, and a bruised ego, I gave broomball another try tonight. My efforts weren't much better...granted I could kind of put the ball where I wanted it tonight and I only fell ONCE, but I'm still rather terrible. It's very nice of my teammates to put up with me though. They actually act like I'm apart of the team, which is nice. I know when I'm encountering an awful player, I just ignore them and act like they don't exist on my team (poor sport, but whatever). The Box Stuffers came out tonight and won, like, 9-0. Thank God my teammates can cover up my terrible mistakes.

We only have two games left until playoffs... maybe I'll continue to get better. Or maybe I'll just be on the sidelines in case someone needs a breather. :(

Oh Apartment Living...

Jacy and I never should have opted to live together. We are the two messiest human beings in the entire world. I love how I'm always bagging on her for being a slob, but in all reality, I'm a complete Messy Jessie...I just have a bigger closet to hide my mess in. But two weeks ago I hit an all-time high in my messy/lazy-ass nature.

Jacy and I were taking a break from our normal homework routines to do our nails. We used numerous cotton swabs and Kleenexes (filled with nail polish remover) to get our nails to look perfect. Our nails looked damn good, but when we were all finished the apartment smelled like a little Asian nail parlor. I tried stuffing the cotton swabs/Kleenexes to the bottom of my trash can, but the smell permeated throughout the entire apartment.

It was raining cats and dogs out, so I didn't really want to run the trash outside. But the apartment smelled soooo bad. Usually, I would just throw the trash out on the balcony, but Deer Park has strict rules prohibiting apartment dwellers to put trash on the balcony. So...I did what any genius would do. I threw the mass of cotton swabs/Kleenexes down the toilet.

Poor frickin' choice. It seemed to all go down the first time. But then I used the bathroom later that evening and my toilet was most certainly clogged. I didn't know what the heck to do! Jacy and I didn't own a plunger! So I ran down to the local Walgreens and bought a $3.99 plunger and then googled how to plunge a toilet. (This is how truly clueless I am.) NOTHING WORKED!

By this time, I was way too scared/embarrassed to call the Deer Park offices for help. I really didn't want them snaking the toilet or anything like that for fear they would find my mass of fingernail polish supplies. So, I again did what any normal genius would do - I just let the toilet be. For two weeks.

After using Jacy's toilet for two weeks, I finally got up the gumption to go into the Deer Park offices and ask for assitance. I mean, clogged toilets are a pretty common thing, right? But the first thing my landlord asked me was how did I clog the toilet. Frickin' awkward question, right? Most people clog toilets by, well, pooping, right? So who in their right mind would ask that awkward question!? I just ignored the question and acted like I had NO IDEA what happened... But I nonchalantly said that my trashcan sat right by my toilet, so something definitely could have made its way into my toilet...

Needless to say, she finally sent someone over to unclog the toilet...And she gave me a sweet-ass plunger! Now when I'm feeling extremely lazy I can stick anything down the toilet and get it unclogged safely.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider...

...freaked the Schwager sisters out.

I've lived in Claremont Park Apartments. I know what a spider is. In fact, spiders were kind of like my fourth roommate at Claremont. But since moving into Deer Park Apartments, I have yet to see one single spider... until last night. That's when all hell broke lose.

Jacy and I were getting ready for bed last night and it is frickin' cold in our apartment. So unless A) it warms up (not likely) or B) we turn on our heater, Jacy and I have been sleeping in my bed to huddle together for warmth. Well, evidently a spider friend thought he was invited to our slumber party too, because there he was lingering in the shadows of the ceiling. He was inconvienently and quite strategically positioned right where the ceiling and the wall connect, so killing him seemed next to impossible.

After much thought, I told Jacy I didn't really want to kill the spider because I didn't really want it to send out sonar to its spider buddies and I didn't really want its spider buddies attacking us in the middle of the night. (I only said this because I knew I didn't have enough coordination or patience to stand on a stool and coax the spider out of its hiding place). Jacy said, "SCREW THAT. I'll get a fly swatter."

Naturally, she hands me the fly swatter and makes me kill the booger. I tried to convince it to scurry down the wall so I could get a good swing at him, but he wasn't having any of that. Instead, he b-lined for the ceiling and started heading toward me. So, I held the fly swatter upside down and swung with all my might. Unfortunately, my might wasn't good enough, because I saw it crawl from underneath my fly swatter and descend to the ground. When I say descend, I think it actually created a web and gracefully glided to the ground. It was like something out of Charlotte's web.

That's when Jacy and I both throw a total conniption. Running around, skipping, hopping, shivering, jittering, shaking. What have you. Jacy made it very clear she was not sleeping in my bedroom last night and instead, we would sleep in her bedroom. So, I hopped up on my bed and gathered our cell phones and lept from my bed to the hallway (because the spider was somewhere in between my bed and the hallway) Ask me how I did that and I'll tell you I had no idea. Jacy did applaud me for my quite athletic move though. Said it was the quickest she'd ever seen me jump/run.

Theennn Jacy, the little pervert, made me strip off all my clothes and throw them in the living room because she thought maybe our spider friend clung to me and was going to find his way into her bed. She also made me shake out my hair since it may have also embedded itself into my head I guess. I was an ass though and shook my hair out alll over her bed. :D

We never did find our spider friend. I suppose we'll be on the lookout again tonight.

Two Jacys? Eh?

Jacy and I are sitting here together for once in our lives. We haven't seen each other for days and days and it's very sad. However, we reunited only to find out that we seriously have some sort of plague or something. It's some sort of freaky-deeky boy plague. No lie. But then, after discussing our boy issues (which I will definitely save for another blog), Jacy told me about some facebook stalker girl.

Please listen. This is very important information that you should not take lightly.

Jacy and I started talking about pen names and fake email addresses and all of that stuff we all used to do when we were second graders. But, evidently, there's some sort of Jacy stalker on the loose. Well, I'm not quite sure if she really is a stalker, but all of the evidence leads to stalkerisms.

Back in February, one of Jacy's friends (we'll call him Bob) sent her an email to tell her that some girl going by the name "Kasey Marie" had stolen all of Jacy's pictures off of facebook to create her own profile. At first, Jacy just thought it was some sort of scam or something, but sure as shit, Jacy looked up the name "Kasey Marie" and found her (Jacy's) face as the profile picture! Can you believe this?

Then Bob told Jacy that Kasey (getting confusing, I know) had created, like, seven different facebook albums all featuring the Jacy we all know and love. She would also put captions under all of the pictures...i.e. Me spiking the volleyball!; Me with my besties!; Me looking hot!; etc.

Jacy got completely freaked out so decided to add this girl as a friend. But Kasey Marie decided to fall of the face of the earth. Then, suddenly, tonight Jacy thought of doing a facebook search for her and SHE WAS FRICKIN' ON FACEBOOK AGAIN!! She was even sporting a profile picture of Jacy and her boyfriend kissing. Can you believe this shit??

Omigosh, so the moral of this story is...PROTECT YOUR SHIT. Please. Don't worry, my detective nose is on this like white on rice so we will get to the bottom of this. But still...be careful out there on this wonderful thing called the world wide web.
God Bless!
Jess

On a more serious note...

I apologize for the late-night blog. I'm just really having a hard time right now, so I need to let it alllll out.

My body has been completely numb today. I've put on a front, I've gone about my business and done my thing, but I'm feeling completely and inevitably numb. I may have no right to feel numb, but I do and I can't stop feeling that way.

A guy I grew up with died today.

All my mind can form right now, all my mind could form all day, were images of him. It's weird really. I just keep seeing us, both probably 4 or 5 years old, as his mom dropped us off to the swimming pool for swimming lessons. I remember hopping out of the back seat and getting ready to shut the door behind me. But he just kept crying. He didn't want to go to swimming lessons. Did he come with me? I really can't remember. All I can see is shutting the door and looking back at him through the window...at his tear-stained cheeks.

And then there was the time at my grandma's house when we were playing some obscure game of musical plastic chairs. A bunch of us kids were hopping chair-to-chair for some damned reason. And he broke the red one. Or was it the orange one? I just remember he and I were the biggest kids in the group, but he just happened to break his chair. We all laughed at him. I remember feeling terrible for laughing, because it could have easily been me, but I just kept laughing and laughing...while he cried.

My mind flashes to sophomore year and how badly I wanted to go to prom for some stupid reason. He asked me. I found the perfect dress and I was so excited to go. He picked me up at my house in his pickup. I really just remember a couple of things. How his parents made such a big deal out of prom pictures. It was his junior prom after all - the first time he could go to prom. But, quite literally, all I can remember the most is getting in his pickup and looking at his dashboard and seeing this surfer guy roll across his CD player. He had some animated CD player like I had never seen before....should he? Could he? Is it okay that he has these flashing lights on his dash? I had no idea. I knew he had episodes before, but everything always turned out okay...

Today he had one of those episodes. Sometime this week, his parents will have to put him in the ground. No weddings, no babies, nothing... just prom pictures.

Numb, numb, numb.

Ignorance is Bliss...

...or something like that.

The amount of ignorant people in my Tuesday afternoon English class is quite bewildering. You may be reading this and thinking I'm just a bitch on my soap box. And you're quite right. I've had it up to here in this stupid class. Well, I shouldn't say "stupid class" because I think my professor is quite intelligent. But the idiots in my class are mind-blowing.

Take the dumbass who sits in front of me. Even my I-Pod (on its highest level, mind you) can't tune this crazy out. Every day it's something new. How obnoxiously rich her parents are and how they wanted to send her to a private school, but she decided to be the nice daughter that she is and suggest the University of Nebraska at Lincoln. I guess she's from Minneapolis, so she's paying out-of-state tuition anyway. Would this be much different than some Minnesota private school? Who knows. Either way, her Chuck Taylors and basic Target Ts tell me that she is definitely not the richest chick on the planet.

A week ago, I got so bored with the remarks in this class that I began to count the number of times my peers used the word, "like." In 15 minutes, the word "like" was, like, used, like, over 120 times. Since, like, the majority of the students in this class are, like, English majors, you would think, like, their vernacular would, like, be slightly more advanced - well at least, like, while they're, like, in the English college. Outside of class, like, I could really give, like, two shits what they talk like.

But today hit a whole new level of stupidity. We were discussing Willa Cather and her overall dislike for Nebraska. Something got brought up about how city folk don't know much about Nebraska life. Some girl, who said she was from Omaha, was really sad that out-of-staters think Nebraska is full of a bunch of cattle and cornfields. After all, she is from Omaha and to find cattle or cornfields, one would have to drive miles and miles out of the Omaha city limits. Then - here's where her knowledge of Nebraska really shined through - she said she could sometimes understand where the out-of-staters were coming from because 93 percent of Nebraska's land is filled with cornfields.

Ninety-three percent? Really? I mean, I would like to think that if 93 percent of Nebraska is a cornfield that NE could probably provide ethanol-enriched fuel to the entire country.

What would I know, though? I'm just po' country folk.

Rough day. Period. Exclamation point.

So I bought this new dress yesterday at Target. I'm really into this whole boho look for some re-damn-diculous reason. May not be stylish what-so-ever, but it's very, very comfortable. Anyway, I bought this dress for 24 bucks and I've already gotten a ton of good out of it. I wore it last night with a pair of leggings and some flats and then I wore it again today (washed, of course) with a pair of tights.

Last night everything with the dress functioned properly. Shoot, last night I would have even considered that dress a lucky dress considering the nice texts I was receiving from a nice young man. But today was a completely different story. Perhaps the dress didn't like the tights I picked out? Or maybe it was the gross flats I chose to wear? Either way, the dress frickin' turned on me. I'mma talking full out, exorcist, green-puke spewing out of possessed girl's head, turned on me.

I had to go to work at volleyball at noon today. So, I left my place at 11:30 to give myself plenty of time to make my way through the madness downtown and to my parking garage. In the meantime I gave my mom a call for a quick chat. While managing to keep my mom on the line, I slung my backpack over my shoulders, clutched onto my purse with one hand, and held my cell phone tight in my other hand.

I chatted with Mama Schwag for probably 10 minutes, all the while making my way from the parking garage to the Coliseum. On my way there I saw several people "check me out," but I just chalked it up to me looking super hot today (I was completely disillusional obviously). I really didn't think anything of it until I hung up with my mom. Then I started to feel really, really chilly. Like, breezy almost. I just happend to look down and...HOLY SHIT... my dress had ridden all the way up my legs to my frickin' waist! I mean, I do have a pretty sexy body (again, haaaa), but showing off my vag to the entire world wasn't what I had in mind this particular Saturday afternoon. I booked it to the closest building to fix myself, but ALAS, the doors were locked. I ran to the next building and the doors were also locked! So I then ran down a random flight of outdoor stairs to fix my problem. Of all days, today was not an awesome time for this to happen. Mind you, 85,000 people are roaming the streets at any given time within in the Lincoln city limits. Sweet.

I guess somehow my stinking bookbag latched on to the backside of my dress and decided to allow it to ride all the way up my waist. I just thank the lucky stars above that I had black tights on or else people really would have seen my "Britney."

I think I'll probably keep the dress, even though it did play an evil trick on me.

Anyway, enough storytelling for tonight.
God Bless,
Jess