TACO

I hear all too often that fast food is going to eventually kill me, but I don't believe it at all. In fact, I think it will make me live a long and happy life because it provides me with laughter.

Case-in-point:

Today, I stopped by Taco Johns and the cashier was a total goofball from the start. But as I pulled up to the window, asked how my day was and I said, "It's a beautiful day, so I have no complaints. How is your day going?" And he replied with "Oh, you know, another day, another taco... and I love tacos."

Taco Johns - 48th and Vine - go there now and meet the most hilarious taco-lover ever.

Players of the Game

(Jess says)

Yup, that's right guys, you heard it here first. Jessandjacy.blogspot.com is your No. 1 source for giving you a GIANT wake-up call. Girls can play the game, too.

Jacy and I recently got our heads together and discussed our disliking of men fearing lady clingers. Don't get me wrong, there are freaky-deaky girls out there. I've definitely witnessed some "How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days" types and it ain't pretty. But I've also seen it on the male side of things, too. You guys are just as creepy as us girls. Take this one rando make-out of mine. We'll call him "Fez" affectionately. Fez was super suave and debonair (insert evil laugh here), so I gave him my number. The next day, he called me at least 50 times and left 50 voicemails. Then, after the 50th call, I felt guilty enough to answer my phone. Bad decision. The creep proceeds tells me how he just saw me getting out of my car and he liked my pants. Creepy Fez had been following me around downtown all day... So I'm just sayin' men, you have the clingy/stalker genes, too.

But the whole "tattoo his name on my ass" thing isn't really how Jacy and I work.

This blog isn't intended to make you believe Jacy and I are giant sluts, so please don't take it that way. (BE SEXY, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX!) But why do guys automatically think every girl is obsessed with them after one random drunken night?

(Jacy's turn)

I see this happen a lot. A guy and a girl are friends. A guy and a girl make-out/hook-up. Suddenly, the guy and the girl are not friends, because every single time the girl tries talking to the once guy friend, they avoid her because they think she has fallen head-over-heels in love with him. Maybe, just maybe, they have. But in a lot of cases, men, they HAVEN'T. They simply got a little tipsy and felt their hormone levels rise as well.

Now, I'm not really speaking from experience. I haven't really macked on anyone that wasn't a repeat offense (usually someone I had already dated) or that I haven't maybe had a wee bit of a school-girl crush on. BUT I have seen this happen puh-lenty of times.

All I'm saying is this:

Men: You're not the only ones who get to feeling a little frisky. The ladies like some lovin' too. So next time you have an evening romp with a girl (space) friend, don't make yourself look like an egotistical dumbass and ignore her. Okay, egotistical dumbass may be a bit harsh. But the girl might not find you to be as much of a Prince Charming as you think you are. Yes, there are some girls out there who are stage five clingers. Want to avoid that? Here's some advice: Love em' and leave em'. Yep, sounds harsh again, but it's the cold hard truth of randoms. I observe plenty friends, and the only time they are interested in a guy after a hook-up is if you cuddled them or held their hand. If you did either of those things, then it's your own fault if she's interested. If you didn't either of those things and she's still acting 100% clingy? Run, gentlemen. Run. But if you didn't do either of those things and she just wants to strike up a conversation, chances are she is just trying to still be your friend.

(Jess again) Welp, Jacy got a little more serious in her post than I did. She was actually trying to give you some novel advice, whereas I am simply trying to state one thing: I'm just looking for a good time. Either way you look at it, we hope we've made our points and hopefully some of the non-clingly ladies will appreciate our blog.

Remember - Safety first - Wrap it before you tap it!

Happy Trails,

Jacy and Jess

Slippery Slope

It's been a long time, friends. One whole month to be exact. I'm sorry, but life has really been madness... ahhh, who am I kidding? Jacy and I seriously have no time to write because in our free time we like to drink. Well, I mean we both go to school/work for 60 hours a week, so we have to keep sane somehow and the bottle is where we turn to on occasion. (Nothing you need to be worried about...we're still attending class regularly.)

There are just two things we've learned this month...

1) We've learned that Jacy has no sense of balance or finesse on ice. Jacy has taken two terrible tumbles this past month, and quite honestly I'm very worried about her safety on this ice. She definitely doesn't need a broken hip. Typically, people who break their hips die within four months (this is a semi-proven statistic) and I don't want her to die right now. Who would pay the other half of rent? Lord knows I can't afford this place by myself...

Anyway, the first tumble took place at a friend's house. With beers in both hands, Jacy eagerly made her way down some stairs to the main party. However, her "friends" failed to mention the stairs were fecking slick. One wrong step and whooossheee...Woopsie daisy. Since Jacy was double fistin', she was unable to catch her balance and instead threw both beers in the air and fell to her unpleasant fate. I hear most of the party thought she was dead. (I wasn't there.) But luckily she picked herself up off the ground and lived to see another day. If you want to see some pretty nasty bruises, tell her to drop her pants.

The second tumble took place a couple of nights ago. Jacy was, again, drinking and I was the designated driver for the night. I'm not a very nice DD, so it takes a lot to make me laugh. But Jacy did just the trick Saturday night. Jacy, Megan (our friend) and I came home and were making our way into our apartment building. It musta been cold or something because Jacy was a woman on a mission to get to the front door of the apartment building, but overlooked a patch of slickeryness right outside the door. AGAIN, woooshhhhh. BAM. I literally felt the cement shake. I'm not sure how she managed it, but she fell on her front and her back at the same time. It was quite amazing. She was wearing, like, 10 inch heels, so I was about 95 percent sure she broke her ankle the way her feet were bent all over the place. She's like a giraffe on rollerskates, that one. Hob-nobily. She stayed on the ground for what seemed like forever. I really wasn't in the mood to take her to the hospital, so it was a good thing she peeled herself off the ground. It was also a good thing that Megan is in nursing school, because after getting Jacy upstairs, Megan sat and picked gravel out of Jacy's bleeding knee wound for 10 minutes. It's another great thing that Jacy was drunk, or else that would have hurt a helluva lot more.

2) We've learned not to iron a shirt while still on your back. Though not near as funny as Jacy's awesome tumbles, I will briefly tell you my stupidity during the month of February. I was late to work last week and hadn't done wash for at least three weeks, so I pulled something out of the laundry to wear for the day. Naturally, it was the most wrinkly garment ever. So, I whipped out Jacy's sweet hand steamer. Instead of two seconds to take off my blouse, I just thought I'd steam the blouse while it was still on my back... Poor choice. Did you know steam was hot? It doesn't look hot as it comes out of the little iron. Burned the fuck out of my stomach. It just happened to be where my jeans rubbed, too, so I have a really nasty, gross scar on my stomach. Not that anyone would see that...but still, I know it's there.

Okay, that's all I have for tonight. Two very important lessons learned. 1) Don't let Jacy out of the house in February and 2) Wrinkly shirts are in.

Goodnight!

Afternoon Delight

Jacy and I are odd. Tonight, as we were cooking supper in the kitchen, we both started singing Afternoon Delight. It was very spontaneous. No warning. Just "rubbin' sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite..." into a full chorus, "aaahhhhhh ahhhh afternoon delight." We'd like to blame the pinot noir.

Also, Jacy would like everyone to know that raw macaroni and pinot noir do not go together at all. She doesn't want you to make the same mistake of drinking/eating the pair together.

Who We Almost Were

Recently, Jacy and I have discovered that we really lucked out. In all reality, Jacy's childhood tendencies should have led most parents (and definitely psychologists) to believe she was going to be the next Ted Bundy. And it's really a wonder I didn't become the next Chastity (Chaz) Bono.

Let me explain.

One beautiful summer day, Jacy and I thought it would be a grand idea to do some fishin'. Jacy was no more than five (or maybe six...or even seven?) and I was a couple of years older than her. So, back in the 90s, Jacy and I packed up our tackle and headed to our pond. My friend, Tim, may have been with us, too. (As you already know, I have a terrible memory and I'm an English major, so parts of my story may or may not be accurate.) Anyway, we three went fishing down at our pond. We were catching fish left and right! I remember Jacy stopped fishing, so I looked back to see what in the world she was doing. That's when I saw her doing the creepiest thing ever. EVER. She was scaling a fish ALIVE. What a sicko, right?! She then took a fishing hook, and stabbed out the poor little fishy's eyes! I think the worst part of this whole memory was her sadistic little laugh as she held the fish up by the hook (stuck through its eye) and swung the fish around and around.

The fishing experience was one of many involving Jacy and a helpless animal. Take frogs for example. She thought it'd be fun to rip them in half by pulling their legs apart. Or sometimes, when we'd set up a tent in our back yard, she'd throw live frogs in the tent's secret compartment and completely forget about them. Then the next summer, when we'd set up our tent again, we discovered the skeletons of countless frogs... may they rest in peace. I'm sure Ted Bundy's childhood behavior wasn't too far from this....

And then there's me. Ol' Chaz. Jacy reminded me the other day, after she had snooped into my elementary school report cards, that I weighed twice as much as kindergarteners normally do. Being so fucking fat, my parents dressed me in things like carpenter jeans, stretch jeans, and boys/mens t-shirts. And instead of letting me have long hair (to perhaps distinguish me from the boys in my class), they gave me a butchy bowl cut. Or my mom would find it hilarious to perm my already 1/2 inch hair, so then I looked like the fat red-headed kid in The Big Green. My friends weren't much better in trying to make me girly. For instance, Jacy, Brienna and I would always make home videos for fun. But even though I could do a smashing girl's British accent, they would always force me to be the man in the video. I guess the plus side is that if I ever decide to go into acting, I can audition for the female and the male parts. I think the worst part is that my dressing/looking like a man stage should have passed at an early age, yet my parents found it necessary to keep me looking like a man until I was a freshman in high school. If it wasn't for a bunch of asshole guys shouting "Why's there a boy on the court??!" at my girl's basketball game during my freshman year, I'd definitely be checking into the local hospital getting a gender transformation right about now.

Thank God we're not who we almost were.

Words Can't Describe...

...the day I've had. I'll be brief. Real brief.

Today, I hit a car (with my car) and a squirrel (with my car). The cars were undamaged, thank goodness. Can't say the same for the squirrel.

The shit my sister does part 3,456..

I just got home from a nine hour bus drive from Colorado Springs, so naturally I'm a little hungry, a little thirsty, ya know, the usual. There were cookies on the counter, but those didn't really trip my trigger, so I opened the fridge to find a Papa John's pizza box waiting just for me. However, when I went to open the box, a note on the top said:

If you eat me, I'll eat you,

-The Pizza

So, now I'm in a dilemma. I'm hungry and hungry Schwagers are nuts (as stated in previous posts). Should I risk the pizza eating me back and eat the pizza? Jacy isn't around this morning, so would she ever know if I ate her pizza? Or what if she put exlax in the crust? This is a risky operation. The shit my sister does...