Afternoon Delight

Jacy and I are odd. Tonight, as we were cooking supper in the kitchen, we both started singing Afternoon Delight. It was very spontaneous. No warning. Just "rubbin' sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite..." into a full chorus, "aaahhhhhh ahhhh afternoon delight." We'd like to blame the pinot noir.

Also, Jacy would like everyone to know that raw macaroni and pinot noir do not go together at all. She doesn't want you to make the same mistake of drinking/eating the pair together.

Who We Almost Were

Recently, Jacy and I have discovered that we really lucked out. In all reality, Jacy's childhood tendencies should have led most parents (and definitely psychologists) to believe she was going to be the next Ted Bundy. And it's really a wonder I didn't become the next Chastity (Chaz) Bono.

Let me explain.

One beautiful summer day, Jacy and I thought it would be a grand idea to do some fishin'. Jacy was no more than five (or maybe six...or even seven?) and I was a couple of years older than her. So, back in the 90s, Jacy and I packed up our tackle and headed to our pond. My friend, Tim, may have been with us, too. (As you already know, I have a terrible memory and I'm an English major, so parts of my story may or may not be accurate.) Anyway, we three went fishing down at our pond. We were catching fish left and right! I remember Jacy stopped fishing, so I looked back to see what in the world she was doing. That's when I saw her doing the creepiest thing ever. EVER. She was scaling a fish ALIVE. What a sicko, right?! She then took a fishing hook, and stabbed out the poor little fishy's eyes! I think the worst part of this whole memory was her sadistic little laugh as she held the fish up by the hook (stuck through its eye) and swung the fish around and around.

The fishing experience was one of many involving Jacy and a helpless animal. Take frogs for example. She thought it'd be fun to rip them in half by pulling their legs apart. Or sometimes, when we'd set up a tent in our back yard, she'd throw live frogs in the tent's secret compartment and completely forget about them. Then the next summer, when we'd set up our tent again, we discovered the skeletons of countless frogs... may they rest in peace. I'm sure Ted Bundy's childhood behavior wasn't too far from this....

And then there's me. Ol' Chaz. Jacy reminded me the other day, after she had snooped into my elementary school report cards, that I weighed twice as much as kindergarteners normally do. Being so fucking fat, my parents dressed me in things like carpenter jeans, stretch jeans, and boys/mens t-shirts. And instead of letting me have long hair (to perhaps distinguish me from the boys in my class), they gave me a butchy bowl cut. Or my mom would find it hilarious to perm my already 1/2 inch hair, so then I looked like the fat red-headed kid in The Big Green. My friends weren't much better in trying to make me girly. For instance, Jacy, Brienna and I would always make home videos for fun. But even though I could do a smashing girl's British accent, they would always force me to be the man in the video. I guess the plus side is that if I ever decide to go into acting, I can audition for the female and the male parts. I think the worst part is that my dressing/looking like a man stage should have passed at an early age, yet my parents found it necessary to keep me looking like a man until I was a freshman in high school. If it wasn't for a bunch of asshole guys shouting "Why's there a boy on the court??!" at my girl's basketball game during my freshman year, I'd definitely be checking into the local hospital getting a gender transformation right about now.

Thank God we're not who we almost were.

Words Can't Describe...

...the day I've had. I'll be brief. Real brief.

Today, I hit a car (with my car) and a squirrel (with my car). The cars were undamaged, thank goodness. Can't say the same for the squirrel.

The shit my sister does part 3,456..

I just got home from a nine hour bus drive from Colorado Springs, so naturally I'm a little hungry, a little thirsty, ya know, the usual. There were cookies on the counter, but those didn't really trip my trigger, so I opened the fridge to find a Papa John's pizza box waiting just for me. However, when I went to open the box, a note on the top said:

If you eat me, I'll eat you,

-The Pizza

So, now I'm in a dilemma. I'm hungry and hungry Schwagers are nuts (as stated in previous posts). Should I risk the pizza eating me back and eat the pizza? Jacy isn't around this morning, so would she ever know if I ate her pizza? Or what if she put exlax in the crust? This is a risky operation. The shit my sister does...

Oh Jacy

I just got this text from Jacy (we really have some creeps that live in our apartment complex) and I thought I'd share.

"I just googled sex offenders in Lincoln. None live in our apartment complex. I almost hoped there was one so we could use that as an excuse to move."

Cabin Fever

Per Miss Carol's request, I have finally decided to write a blizzardy blog. God only knows why she would want to read this blog...maybe she's even more bored than I am? Believe me, Carol, this will be a really, really boring blog.

A little background on today's blog: Jacy and I headed home from Lincoln to Chambers on Tuesday morning to settle in at home for Christmas. Snow was on the way and Dad said either come home on Tuesday or stay in Lincoln through Christmas. Having never missed a Schwager family Christmas in all the years of our lives, Jacy and I packed on up and made the three-and-a-half hour trek home.

Little did we know we wouldn't see the outside world for nearly four days. Day one, we were fine - reading, watching TV, napping - the world at our hands! Day two - a little of the same - we finished season two of Nip/Tuck and were really disappointed because it ended with quite the cliffhanger. Day three - we began to get bored, but were able to push through because, after all, it was Christmas Eve and the next day the Schwager family Christmas would commence. As we woke up on day four (after a long winter's nap and sugar plums dancing in our heads and all of that) we looked at the window to find a very, very white Christmas. :(

After much debating, my sister (Gina), her husband (Barry) and their son (AJ) decided against the 12-mile journey to our little house on the prairie, meaning Mom, Dad, Jacy and I had to go it alone this Christmas.

Naturally, Jacy and I poured ourselves some Bloody Marys to start the day. Poor choice, because two Bloody Marys in and we were both about half-looped. So we moved on to beer. That's when we got the clever idea to video tape a Christmas message to Gina on Facebook. Check it out - we do look pretty looped....Then I slept. It was nice. I woke up to more nothingness. Really, this day just seems like a giant blur.

I believe it was after my nap when Mom and Jacy decided we needed to play board games. (more like bored games?). I wanted to play the Ouija board. Mom and Jacy thought it was far too sacrilegious to play on Christmas. So, I agreed to play what they wanted to play - Sequence. Of course Mom didn't tell me that she was actually a professional athlete at that game. I'm positive she schedules out several hours a day to practice. At one point in "family" board game playing, I even texted my friend, Heather, to say that my mom was a slut because of her really mean board game tactics. I'm very respectful to my madre, but she was really being a giant asshole. She won, like, seven sequence games in a row. I think she was one game away from yelling, "SUCK IT" (vulgar movements and all) at Jacy and I.

I was pissed, so I said I was "going to take a nap," which meant, "I'm getting the hell away from my Sequence-crazed mom." About 30 minutes into my nap I was bored, so Jacy and I recorded a few more Facebook videos and then played another board game - Boggle. Neither of us really knew the rules, but once we semi-figured them out we played a couple of games. Jacy was literally killing me. I would find maybe three words for her 10. I was a pathetic mess. So I threw a giant tantrum and said I was going to "take a nap." (Again, code for "If I'm around Jacy one more second of my life, I will throw her out in a snow bank for being so good at Boggle.)

So, all-in-all, what has this day taught me? First off, I will never, ever, EVER, sign up to be on the TV show Big Brother. NEVER. I love my family more than anything else in the world, but I am sick of them after only four days of being together. Can you say CABIN FEVER?

Secondly, I will never again play Sequence with my mom. She showed me the evil side of Christmas.

Thirdly, I've learned that a little Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" video can boost anyone's spirits.

Seriously, Carol, check it out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I

Like I said, this blog is really long and really boring. But I'm just trying to mimic the sort of day I've had. Merry Christmas!

Hello Friends

With dead week underway and finals week next week, I doubt I'll have any desire to post anything worth reading the next couple weeks. Please visit our blog after the chaos is over!

PS - You know what a nice thing of you to do would be? Come visit us bearing some sort of gift (we really like cookies, cake, and alcohol). Our apartment is really cute right now. We even have TWO Christmas trees. Okay, thanks!